Getting Situated

I can't think. My mind is constantly going. It seems that I'm still trying to sort through the past few months. It's like I'm still trying to get situated...

IN MY HOME
- Is this really my home? That's what I keep asking myself. It's definitely my furniture, but it's still hard to believe it's my home. Of course, the money that's being taken out of my account every 2 weeks certainly says it's my home. There are still pictures to be put on the walls, draperies to be bought/made, areas to organize...it's just a matter of finding time and having the energy. By the time I get home from work and practice piano, I just want to rest.

IN MY HEALTH
- Since I last wrote I have contacted a nutritionist from London, England, who is the author of the book, "Endometriosis: A Guide to Healing and Fertility Through Nutrition." She has put me on a new eating plan (cutting out wheat, no refined sugars, goat's dairy rather than cow's dairy), vitamin supplements etc. I was doing well until this past week (added stress and unfortunately I like to eat foods that aren't good for me when I'm stressed). I can feel it in my body. I'm tired all of the time when I don't eat right. I have to get back on track. This nutritionist really is amazing and was certainly a God-send. I'm also looking into another option to help with my health. It's been good for me to learn more about my body and how it works even if it is frustrating at times. It's neat to learn about how in some ways the body can heal itself if it's given the right tools to do so! I don't really hope for pregnancy now, I just hope for no pain, and hope for children to come in God's way and in God's timing. That's not to say I never wish to get pregnant, it's just that hoping can hurt sometimes, and I just had to hand it over to God and say, "Here's my body. Do with it as you wish."

IN MY CLOTHES
- Yes you've heard correctly - in my clothes. Since I've started eating better I've been loosing weight. Please don't panic. I've lost 15 pounds, but I now weigh what I did when I got married 5 years ago. Who knew? I figured my weight gain had to do with metabolism slowing down due to age and that the "Brown" hips would continue to grow and expand throughout the course of my life. All along it had to do with too much bread and sugar! HA! I fit into a size 5 skirt, and I could hardly believe it. Now, all of the clothes I bought this past year from having gained more weight (stress!) are too big because I've lost the weight I gained altogether over the last 5 years. It's crazy!

IN MY BLOG
- I'd like to change my picture or get rid of it, but I just can't figure it out. I ran out of patience this evening for fear I wouldn't have time to write afterwards. Help!

IN MY COMMUNITY
- After living in one spot for 5 years you get accustomed to certain places, people, things...Sussex is a lot bigger than Perth-Andover. I like the convenience it has, but I'm still trying to figure out how I can get involved in the community. I'm still trying to get situated. I really miss working with small children, so I'm contemplating volunteering at the public school or tutoring after I get into some form of routine. I need to try and get to know my neighbours too (except for the ones behind me - ha! ha! i.e. Mom and Dad)

IN MY JOB
- I enjoy working at Bethany. I will confess that is an adjustment for the gal who loves teaching. The first few weeks I cried at night and thought I must be crazy. "What am I doing?" I knew what I wanted to do when I finished high school. There was no second guessing myself. With my new position as Admissions Coordinator, I love the learning curve. I love trying to get things organized and discovering ways to make data collection more efficient. I love being able to go home at night and leave my work at the office. I love having my weekends. It is a big change in my life though, and there are a lot of things that I'm trying to work through that I know the Lord wants me to work through. It's complicated. I'll leave it at that. Let's just say that I know I'm supposed to be where I am at this point and time.

IN MY PRAYER LIFE
- This is an area that needs some definite refining more than ever...especially concerning my current life circumstances!


Trying to get situated isn't necessarily a bad thing. It just takes time. I'm just in mourning right now. Indeed. I miss my sister and the kids. I miss my church family. I miss Andover Elementary and the staff. My life here is good. I just need some time to...get situated.

Isn't it Ironic?

Friday my husband and I were driving home pondering what the doctor had said. We were feeling down. Once again I thought I had it figured out with regards to the next step for my health. I thought that I could have the endometriosis removed even though it would most likely grow back. Instead, my options were: drugs, referral to Halifax in which they'll most likely say "You're great candidates for In Vitro" , or just wait. Just wait. This seems to be a common theme in my life lately. I told him to put my name on the waiting list for Halifax. We're not into in vitro, but we figure it wouldn't hurt to get another opinion. I am going to take some steps with regards to eating habits based on the books I'm reading. This will not be an easy task by any means, but I have to tell myself it could be the difference between health and sickness as my endo does cause me some problems at the most inconvenient times. Pregnancy or not, I do intend on being a mom, and I want to be a healthy one.

The silence in the vehicle was broken by a telephone call. That same day my sister had a doctor's appointment in Fredericton as well - only for something different - for her pregnancy. That same day - the day I was told that it would be very difficult for me to get pregnant naturally, she was going into labor. She was having a baby. As we headed for my brother's house where the family was gathering, I couldn't help but marvel at the irony of it all. My sadness was turned into excitement as I set aside my brokenness for her happiness.

Ryan was home sick with the flu, so I got to go to the hospital with Maridel and mom. It really was quite comical- my sister-in-law, mother, and I were more dramatic than my sister who was in the midst of pregnancy! I went to keep my father-in-law company in the waiting room while my mom stayed with my sister in the delivery room. I thought it was going to be all night and that I could pop back in later, but within 15 minutes of me leaving, Tyson Eugene Farrell made an entrance into the world at 7 lbs 1 ounce. As I looked at the beautiful bundle resting with his beaming mother, I couldn't help but praise God. Maridel looked radiant. Her cheeks were rosy and her eyes sparkled. After having three lovely daughters she now had a son.

Earlier that day I said something to my specialist. I said something that I knew I had to say because I believe the Lord put him in my pathway for a reason. Tearfully I told him why Ben and I really weren't into drugs or in vitro. I told him about my belief in Christ and about how I believed that if God wanted me pregnant He would allow it to be so, but if not, He must want us to adopt. I then told the specialist about my sister and about my brother who both have children and I said to him, "I wouldn't have it any other way. If it had to be one of us in this position, I'm glad it's me." I'll leave you to imagine his response. Apart from telling some family, I'm still pondering it in my heart.

On the way home, Ben told me that hidden away in one of his drawers is a pregnancy Willow Tree figurine that he bought nearly 3 years ago, and so, for now, tucked away it will remain. Perhaps it will signify me someday, or perhaps it will signify the woman who gives up a child for us to adopt.

Friday, May 9th: My nephew's birthday and the day that I finally let go and realized I may never give birth. Ironic. Don't you think?

Baffled

Nearly 2 months ago I wrote about how my faith was being tested. For weeks I have struggled with not worrying and trying to put my hope and trust in the Lord and in His will for Ben and myself. Ben and I were pursuing all options. A variety of District Superintendant’s were contacted, we met with our DS, we talked to pastors…doors continually closed, and I kept saying that I felt like we were looking in all of the wrong places. We even made contact with Global Partners, but we still couldn’t put our finger on why it just didn’t “feel right” at this point and time. In the midst of my worries, Ben would continue to say, “I know we’re doing the right thing,” and would pray with me when I fretted with tears. I lost sleep. Daily I had to try and hand my uncertainties over to the Lord.

Then it happened. My brother-in-law, Ryan, who is also Ben’s current boss, had mentioned he was talking with Kathy Shanks from Bethany Bible College a few days prior. She was asking about Ben and his plans. She mentioned that they were revamping the Admissions set-up at the college, and she was wondering if he might be interested. At first Ben thought, “No,” but then he decided that if this was something that might be presenting itself he should prayerfully consider it. This wasn’t to say that it was a complete open door. He decided to phone her. After he got off of the phone, we both thought, “Hmmm…” That entire day the Lord had brought Ben to her mind. Hmmmm….The job for Admissions counselor had been advertised for a year. Hmmmm… People had applied but they couldn’t seem to find the right person for the job. They were hoping for a Bethany grad if at all possible, and they wanted someone with youth ministry experience. Hmmmm…. Apparently, a few people had mentioned Ben’s name to her before he had resigned, but they didn’t believe in just “plucking” someone who was established in a church. Hmmmm… could this be it?

“But why would they want us? We’re just average people.”

Ben decided to talk with Lynn Erskine and Scott Rhyno for some input on the position and the opportunity. Both were candid about their experiences and were helpful in allowing Ben to contemplate the position. Yet Ben hadn’t been offered the position just yet. The Lord wanted us to wait yet again. Someone had been interviewed for the position, and the college was strongly considering that person. Although that person wasn’t a BBC grad, they had a lot to offer the college.

So we waited…and waited…and when we didn’t hear anything about an interview for Ben we figured the door was closed. Ben decided to contact Kathy and discovered that the door still might be open. As it worked out (yet again according to the Lord’s providence I believe) I had a women’s ministry executive meeting at BBC on a Saturday. When Kathy knew I was coming, she asked if Ben could come for an interview. During my women’s executive meeting in which Kathy was at as well, I took the minutes for the meeting on my laptop. Let’s just say that my grade 10 typing class has served me well. Discussion came up about my experience with technology too. (You will see how this fits in a moment.) A few days later Ben was offered the position, and he accepted. Not only were they so kind as to extend the job to him, but they offered me a position as a secretary in the Admission’s Office.

In other words, I would be his secretary!

In the midst of my excitement for his job I was now faced with another dilemma: Do I pursue a teaching job or do I accept this position at the college? I weighed the pros and cons of the situation. I felt confident that I could find a teaching job in Sussex with my résumé, but there were other things I needed to consider. I do love the teaching profession, but I also love the college and the students who attend it. When the thought had occurred to me that Ben might possibly end up at BBC I told the Lord that I would be open to investing in the lives of the young women there. I figured I could do this here and there when I could, but I never dreamed that I could gain an “in” with some of the students by working there. Teaching is a profession that follows me home. I eat, breathe, and sleep it. Some days I work from 8:00-5:00, come home and eat, and then work for another 2-3 hours. On the weekends my mind is also consumed with things that need to be done for school. I thought about my husband traveling 1/3 of the time, and I imagined him coming home from a trip and me with my nose stuck in the books, planning lessons and marking papers. Secretarial work involves less vacation time and less pay, but it is a job that when I leave the office, I leave it there.

I want to go home and take time to cook a decent meal. I want to be able to go for walks with my husband in the evenings without thinking about what it is I have to plan for the next day. I want to enjoy being a part of his life and his job. I will definitely give him his space in the office and allow him to excel in what he does, but I relish in the fact that we’ll have the same hours and that we’ll both get to share in the lives of the students. We’ll both be giving back to a school that we love so very much. Some things are more important than money, and what’s a vacation if you don’t make time for your spouse throughout the entire year? We have good health and my parents have good health. Less stress is key for me right now, and although every job has its stresses, I’m excited about this new opportunity and challenge, as well as about the skills that I will gain in this new role. For the record, I LOVE teaching, and this decision was a tough one, but I know it's what I am to do. I can't fully explain it. I just know.

As I reflect on my life, I can see how the Lord has been preparing me for this role. It’s amazing to see how the pieces are fitting together. A part of me worries about disappointing people who think that I should remain teaching at this time, but then I have to remind myself that I’m not living my life for those people. I’m living my life for the Lord. Not everyone understood why I chose to go to BBC 10 years ago instead of to STU or UNB. Not everyone will understand 10 years later why I am choosing to go to BBC to work instead of the public school system. All I know is I have a peace about my choice. I just know it's what I am to do. God has given me a great marriage, and I want to preserve that. He has given me a heart for the college just as he has given me a heart for working with children. He has also already been giving me some tangible ways of how I can minister not only to the students on campus but to the local schools. I’ve let my job consume me so much over the past few years that I haven’t always made time for people. It’s time for that to change. Does this mean I will never return to the classroom? Not necessarily. It just means that I’m exploring a new opportunity that has presented itself. I believe that every experience I have is God’s way of shaping and molding me into the woman He wants me to be.

I never dreamed that Ben would get to work for Bethany, let alone myself! This was something we weren’t even looking for, and I think that’s what makes it so awesome. This is better than anything I could have imagined at this point in our lives. I am humbled and grateful. I am in awe of the Lord’s goodness. I am completely…baffled.

Should you think of us could you please pray that we will be able to find an affordable home? The market there is “hot” and a potential house we had hoped to look at has sold already. I just had to tell myself that it wasn’t the house God has picked out for us. We don’t want to live beyond our means, but we do want a house that we feel at home in.

Quick and Random Thoughts

- I tried to change the face of my blog and lost my links. Not cool. Now I need to find them and the time to put them back in. Sadness. To make matters worse, I don't even know if I like this new blog look. Way to go Sarah...

- Ben and I still have no idea where we are going. I'm glad God knows. I hope He lets us know soon.

- I've been reading up on endometriosis. Changing my diet won't be easy, but it will be worth it in the long run.

- Ben and I have a date night tonight. We're going to relax and watch a movie. Sweet. Tomorrow we'll go grocery shopping.

- We'd love to have a dog, but we don't know where we are moving to. I don't know if we'll get one for a while anyways.

- The snowfleas are out and Ben and I have begun our annual snowflea tally to see who can kill the most that we find in our apartment. Sarah: 7 Ben: 4

- We're thinking about adopting from Russia, but I need to make some more phone calls. Ukraine would be nice but they're
making it difficult for people to adopt from there.

- My belly is still sore, but I think I'm doing quite well. I have yet to pick the scab from my belly button. I'm waiting to make sure it's completely healed in there. You're probably getting sick of hearing about it so I'll just let it be.

- I still need to post about aging and conducting my mole experiment.

A New Kind of Normal

Imagine going in for surgery thinking that when you came out, everything would be taken care of, and you could continue on with your life. You could put it behind you and look at it as yet another milestone in the growth of your journey. Then imagine waking up, thinking that it was taken care of. Now imagine talking with your doctor, and realizing that you had to adjust to a new kind of normal…This is my life.

It seemed so simple. Dr. Cham was going to remove my cyst, flush my tubes, and then maybe, just maybe, Ben and I would have a better chance at conceiving. There were no guarantees, and Dr. Cham wasn’t certain that the cyst was the cause of our infertility, but he did tell us that he would be able to tell us more after he operated.

Eight AM we arrived at the hospital. No one else was in the waiting room of the day surgery area, and yet we waited 15 minutes before they took me in to weigh me, check my blood pressure, and perform other routine procedures. The night before I had awoke to feel a peace about everything, and yet I still had a bit of the jitters about the surgery. I’ve never been put under before with anesthetic. In my obsession to follow all of the instructions they had sent me to prepare for this, I had even dreamed that I had arrived at the hospital subconsciously chewing on one of Ben’s homemade donuts, and when I got there I was spitting it out and in a panic because I wasn't supposed to eat right before surgery!

I was told that my surgery would take place around ten AM but that before that the anesthesiologist would come see me as well as my surgeon Dr. Cham. Ben and I had an hour and a half to kill. After coming out of the washroom in the classic Johnny shirt, housecoat, and blue “elf” felt slippers; Ben looked at me and said, “Hi beautiful.” Ladies, I found the secret: forget about make-up, hair, and jewelry. Go “au natural” with the classic Johnny shirt/housecoat blue elf slipper combo, and you’ll impress your man.

At first Ben decided he was going to play with the bed I was sitting on. He pumped it up, and then down, then up, then tilted…I finally managed to get him to stop after he nearly knocked the glove box off of the wall from pumping the bed too high. Keep in mind we were the only ones in this waiting room area with beds and curtains. He then offered to produce a glove puppet from one of the latex gloves, but I managed to restrain his mischief - although I’m sure it would’ve been comic relief. Instead, we played “I spy with my little eye.” This didn’t last very long because everything in the room was the same: every bed, every station by the beds…identical, which made it a rather boring rendition of “I spy.” Next ,we played rock, paper, scissors. I lost every time. I blame it on my nerves. After we read magazines. 10:00 came and by that time there was another woman going through what I had gone through at 8:00. I figured I wasn’t going to be operated on at 10:00 as no doctor had yet appeared. Did they forget about me? I was tired and hungry, not having been able to eat since the night before. Next thing I knew, Ben had turned the buzzer for nurses into some kind of submarine telescope that was beeping and peering around our corner of the room. Let’s just say that when people ask me about children, and I’m not in the mood to give the more serious/blunt answer about waiting on the Lord’s timing etc. etc., I say the more humorous, “Have you met my husband? Sometimes he’s all the kid that I need.”

Finally the anesthesiologist came and filled me in on the experience. Next came my doctor and surgeon, Dr. Cham. Then it was time. I found myself tearing up once the nurse came to take me away for surgery. I wanted Ben to be with me, but he couldn’t come to the operating room. He walked me so far and then it was a hug, kiss, and exchange of “I love yous.” Next I was shuffling down the hallway behind a nurse, feeling like I was five years old, carrying a pillow under my arm and wondering what the next few minutes would be like.

As the nurse tried to get me positioned on the table, I had to take off my housecoat. Well, we all know how wonderful Johnny shirts are. She put a blanket behind me to try and help me “modestly” get up on the table, but I did say to her, “You know, my mom said that to you doctors and nurses it would be just another bum.” The surrounding people had a little chuckle, and then as I lay down they put a nice warm blanket on top of me. Then an IV was placed in my arm. They talked to me about my job to try and keep me relaxed, and then they told me it was time for me to go to sleep. “Lord, please be with me,” were the last words that trailed in my mind before sleep came.

I woke up to incredibly sore shoulders and stomach. I was half out of it, and somehow the nurse managed to give me two Tylenol 3 pills at once. It’s beyond me how I swallowed them as when I’m fully alert I do well to swallow one pill at a time. Then she asked me if I wanted a Popsicle because it wasn’t good to have the Tylenol on an empty stomach. She listed off a bunch of flavors, and I opted for the classic 3-flavored Popsicle. As I lay there in my half drugged state happily slurping on my Popsicle, I exclaimed to the nurse, “It’s great to be alive!” Then in my mind (at least I think it was in my mind) I said to the Lord, “I love this popsicle. Lord, can I have more popsicles?” To which He happily replied, “Sarah, you can have as many popsicles as you like.” I was delighted and content, and I have no idea how in the world I finished that Popsicle without it getting on me because I was half out of it. When I tried to look around I got dizzy, so I think I drifted off after that. When I came to more of a conscious state I remember wondering when I could see Ben and thinking about how good Tim Horton’s chili would taste because I hadn’t eaten all day.

Finally they said they were taking me out to the room where the waiting began for final recovery. This time it was filled with people who had or were waiting for surgery. Ben was there, and I remember him holding my hand, kissing my forehead, and being so glad to see me. He had been worried when I hadn’t come out of surgery at the time they had predicted.

Dr. Cham arrived shortly thereafter to inform me about the surgery. The good news is that I don’t have ovarian cancer. This is rare in women my age, but he still checked things out inside of me. Then it came.

“I wasn’t able to remove your cyst.”

“You mean I still have my cyst?” I replied.

Dr. Cham couldn’t get to it because of the endometriosis around the cyst. He didn’t want to damage anything and thought it best that we discuss my options.

“The cyst is the least of my worries now,” he answered.

He did say that it was smaller than before, but he just couldn’t get to it. I can’t remember his exact wording, but it sounded like I have quite a tangled mess in there. My endometriosis is not severe (stage 4), but it is moderate (stage 3). Then came the next news:

“I wasn’t able to flush your left tube.”

The left tube is the one with the ovary that has the cyst on it. He was; however, able to flush the right tube. For now, we know I have one good ovary, but the endometriosis is growing around it too, so it makes me wonder if its days are numbered. He said to make an appointment and book an extra half hour because he really wants to fill us in on our options when I’m not drugged up. He has proven himself to be a wise surgeon and someone whom I believe the Lord has brought into our lives for this time.

As the news sunk in, I have to say that I wasn’t completely surprised. I had done some reading about endometriosis, and looking at problems that I’ve had not only with my monthly but also with my bowels, I began to realize that indeed – I am normal! I just have this medical condition that’s been wreaking havoc on my body for the last 10 years. You see, about 10 years ago is when I started to have problems, but instead of getting to the route of the problem, the doctors I had then said, “It’s hormonal changes. We’ll put you on the pill or some other medications.” I was too young and naïve to question and to probe further. It took not being able to have children to get to the route of the problem.

I teared up and thanked Dr. Cham for all that he had done. I told him that I had a peace about everything, and that Ben and I have discussed adoption. This is not to say that I can’t get pregnant. I know of women who have gotten pregnant with endometriosis. It’s just harder to get pregnant. I know of women who eventually have had to have hysterectomies, and those are extreme cases. The bottom line is that now that I know what I have I can educate myself, talk to my doctor, and go from there. I intend on taking the most natural route possible, and if it means completely changing my diet, I’ll do it. I’m not into drugs. I think I would like to have the endometriosis surgically removed even if it can grow back, but then take natural steps to taking care of myself. Knowledge is power. So it’s going to take some research on my part and a lengthy discussion with my doctor to come up with the best solution – along with wisdom from my Heavenly Father!

And so that’s where I am. I still have my cyst, but I know what it’s from: moderate endometriosis. I have one good tube, but knowing that my mother had all three of her children on one good tube gives me hope. I have the peace in knowing that if God wants me to conceive He will allow me too, but also the freedom in continuing on in the adoption process knowing that one way or another, He will enable me to be a mom. I have a ministry. In my openness God has brought people into my life that have been able to relate or who are working through the process of possible infertility. I have been entrusted with this – whether it be for a time or for my life, and you know what? I’m okay. It’s okay if I can’t conceive. You can hope it for me and pray it for me – as I still do so myself, but ultimately the Lord will have His way, and His way will be the best way for me. I have to admit, in my state of sadness in the hospital I apologized to my husband as the reality that fertility was harder to grasp was on my mind, but he wouldn’t have it. He loves me – body issues and all, and he is actually excited about adopting – what a blessing! On the way home, my heart ached. I so desperately want to be a mom. But my journey is not in vain. It’s been given to me to make me stronger.

How could I ever question God? The same God who opened the womb of Sarah in the Old Testament, the same God who parted the red sea, the same God who healed the lame, is the same God who is in my life today. He will not give me more than I can bear.

As for my belly button, I think it’s going to be okay. It has some dry crusty blood in it and is bandaged up, but I think it’s going to make it.

Your prayers and encouragement have been amazing. I have been overwhelmed between posts, e-mails, and phone calls…thank you for being a support. I believe that it was your prayers that gave me the extra strength and grace I needed to accept the reality of my situation. Ben and I are grateful for your love and support. As we adjust to this new kind of normal, we will continue to place our trust in the Lord. I arrived home yesterday to a gift and lovely note from my sister, a beautiful bouquet from my in-laws, phone calls from family, and notes of encouragement on-line. I am writing to you from my bed - laptops are a wonderful invention. I am physically sore but emotionally healthy. I’m hoping that I’ll be up and running next week as I can’t stand laying around too long, but I do know that I need to take it easy these next few days. Ben continues to be an amazing husband and help to me.

For more information on endometriosis, you can check out this site: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/endometriosis/DS00289/DSECTION=1

Quick Update

- I will be having laproscopic surgery on Tuesday at 8:00 AM. Dr. Cham will be removing a cyst on one of my ovaries providing all goes as planned. The cyst is at least 3 cm by 5 cm. He's hoping to remove it without removing the ovary, but he won't know until the surgery takes place. This is day surgery in Fredericton, and Ben and I would greatly appreciate your prayers.

- We've had a few doors close this week concerning where we'll end up. There's one that is potentially opening and of course rumors of other possibilities. I have to admit that I'm tired of the rumors and false hopes. If anything it is reminding me to stop trying so hard at thinking about where we'll end up and just trust the Lord to bring the right opportunity to us at the right time. I find I can be so impatient sometimes because I like to know what is going on, and then the Lord has to remind me to give up "control" and let Him be Lord in my life.

- I've had a productive few days packing away winter decorations (snowmen etc.) and organizing some other totes for the move. I must admit that the thought of packing up seems overwhelming at times, so I'm trying to break it up and do a little at a time (especially since I work full time until close to the end of June and we'll have to move before Beulah). Of course I'm labeling everything too. Yes, I do like to be organized.

- I've really appreciated some of the chats and encouragement I've received from different friends in person, through e-mails, and over the phone. Whether it's about surgery or about mine and Ben's current circumstances with where we're supposed to be, many of you have been a blessing in our lives.

Humorous Concerns

I've been paying a lot of attention to my belly button lately. This may sound strange, but I've always liked my belly button. I've never been one to show it off by wearing belly shirts or bikinis. No. My belly button has lived a pretty solitary life. It's a good belly button. A happy belly button. A friendly belly button. Two weeks from today, it will probably be a sore belly button. You see, I have surgery on March 25. Apart from gum surgery and wisdom teeth surgery, I've never had surgery before. I was also awake for those procedures - something of which I am quite proud of. I've never been "put out" for surgery before - that is until two weeks from today. While I am in "dreamland," a probe is going to be placed down through my belly button so that they can see what life is like inside Sarah's pelvic area. War will be declared on a cyst that has been growing silently for quite some time. So I keep wondering...will my belly button be the same again? Or will it become stretched? My husband's belly button is a crevice - a chasm in which lint nestles away from the movement of his shirts. When he wears sweaters, the lint hops off and finds safety in this hollow place. Will my belly button become like that? Will it ever recover? While some women would be worried about the scars from incisions - those of which I will have too, here I am, wondering about my belly button.

So in amidst my worries about surgery, my husband's job search, and where in the world we'll be in 4 months, I'm pondering on my belly button, and thankful that the Lord has given me a sense of humour.

Other humorous health concerns of which I may make notes on:
"The mole:" Can it really be removed with a special kind of vinegar? An experiement you won't want to miss.

"You Know You're Getting Old When...:" 27 may be considered young, but I'm changing with each passing year and noticing the things that come with it.

A Test of My Faith

I wonder how Sarah felt - when Abraham came to her and told her that the Lord had spoken to him and told him that it was time to leave his native country to go to a place he had never seen before - I wonder what went through her mind. Was she afraid? Did she cry? It was their homeland, so she must have had relatives nearby. Having had no children of her own at the time, she must have had nieces and nephews that she spent time with. Was she worried? After they decided to pack up and leave, I wonder if she ever second guessed herself or the direction Abraham knew he had to take. Scripture doesn’t really tell us how Sarah felt, but I have thought about her a lot these past few weeks in particular. For a few months now Ben and I have been praying specifically about whether or not we were to stay at the Wesleyan church here in Perth-Andover for yet another year. Ben has been restless for quite some time. Last year I thought we were going to resign as Ben was very adamant about it, but then the Lord made it very clear that we were to stay. This year things were different. I’m not saying that we’re necessarily leaving our homeland to go to a place we’ve never seen as was the case with Abraham and Sarah, but I am saying that we could end up anywhere. We’re considering all possibilities – looking into churches further away while hoping churches in our district will open up and at the same time praying about missions and if that is a step we are to take. Ben is looking for something fairly specific. He’s ready to be stretched in other areas of ministry, while all this time he and I are being stretched in our faith.

I’ve done a lot of praying and reflecting. I’ve had my angry fit with God and then realized how foolish it was. I’ve cried. I’ve been anxious. I’ve worried. Time and again God has revealed himself to me. “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7). I’ve claimed that verse on my knees.

For the past 5 years I have been blessed to live so close to my family. Who would have ever thought that the Lord would enable my husband to work with my brother-in-law? I’ve enjoyed living near my sister and her beautiful girls. I’ve watched my nieces grow. I’ve furthered my education. I’ve found full time work. I’ve made a lot of friends. I’ve matured as a minister’s wife and grown in knowing what it means to serve as one. Now I have no idea what is happening. Everything before was so certain and now it’s so…not. At least when I think logically it’s not. I mean, a logical thinker would say, “Are you out of your mind? Look at the job you have? Look at the financial security you two have there? He shouldn’t resign unless he has another place to go.” And trust me, there are logical thinkers in my life who have either voiced that opinion or whom I know have thought it. Sometimes I look at my husband and say, “Are we crazy? We’re crazy. This is crazy.” He just chuckles at me and reminds me of the Lord’s faithfulness. He has no doubts about the decision. Although I am wrestling with my emotions, I back him 100%. One time while battling out on my knees it was as though God said, “Do you trust me? Do you trust your husband?” As the spiritual leader of my home, Ben is ready to step out into the unknown and trust that the right doors will open, and I am ready to go with him – wherever that may lead us. One time in the midst of my tears Ben offered to “settle” saying, “Well, I could just work somewhere so you could keep your job.” Then how unsettled he would be! “No Ben, you are meant for full time ministry in the church, and I am meant to serve there with you. I would not be happy if you were not working in a church or mission setting.” As much as the spiritual growing pains hurt, I am still praising God as I know I will be refined in my faith – weak as it may be at the moment.

I guess there’s still hope that I might get to continue working around here, but it’s a small hope. The Lord has truly blessed me here, and I just have to trust that wherever He leads, He will bless me there too. As I said to Ben, “Everywhere we go there will be a school. Children need an education. The Lord opened the doors here for me for a reason, and He will do the same elsewhere according to His plan.”

“ ‘My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts’, says the LORD. ‘And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine’” (Isaiah 55:8). How true that verse is! I have no idea what He has in store for us! The Lord has proven himself faithful to me in times past, and I know He will continue to do so in the times to come.

My Poor Neglected Blog...

Okay, I'll be the first to admit that I've neglected my blogging duties and given in to the the world of quick posts on facebook walls. Alas, after a reminder from a friend, through facebook of course, I thought I'd better update my blog and see if anyone actually still reads it.

This year I am working under full contract for the School District, and I am absolutely loving it! I am a Literacy mentor, which means that I have the privilege of working with small groups of children and assisting them with their reading and writing. I am a K-8 mentor which involves working at a few other schools, but most of the time I am at the elementary school where I taught 5th grade last year. I am so blessed! God has also given me the ability to write an ILF (Innovative Learning Fund)grant which has been accepted. He used my friend Carol Jarvis, whom I work with, to encourage me and work with me in this endeavour. I would tell you all that I will be receiving as a result of it, but that would be boasting in myself. If you really want to know you can ask me, but I really have to direct the praise to God. Let's just say, it involves Smart Boards and some other technology of which I am really excited! It feels good to give back to a school and a District that has been so good to me.

Ben and I have started looking into adoption. This is not to say that we will never be able to conceive children, but with all the tests and such that I am undergoing, it is to say that we see it as a part of a process. Some developments have been made with regards to my health (oh the stories I could tell!), but at this time I feel they are too personal to get into - at least on-line. Should you see me in person and want to know I will gladly share it with you. I have an incredible peace. There is freedom in surrendering what I want for what God wants. The more I share, the more I realize that there are many other women out there like me who are working through the same things. With all the pregnancies I keep hearing about, there is yet another silent woman out there trying to work through the frustration of not being able to conceive. I am still hoping for a child of my own bloodline, but I am excited about the possibility of adoption as well. It will not be an easy process. Just this evening I looked over the sheet with some questions I have to answer about what I would accept in a child (family history, etc.). These are things that most people don't have to think about when they're having biological children of their own. Ben and I are going to tackle this carefully and prayerfully over the weekend.

Ah yes, the weekend. Charisma, my adorable niece, is turning 4 years old and there's going to be a party at her house. She's as hilarious as ever. Sheridan, is now 6, and just the other day her teacher told me that she had 3 boys fighting over who was going to marry her! Aparently there is a 4th one who was home sick!!! LOL! As Sheridan's teacher said, "Sheridan is friends with everyone. She loves everybody." I joked and told her teacher, "You better watch out for those preacher's daughters!" Needless to say, someday I'll be sharing that story at her wedding. Arianna is talking more and is cute as a button. She'll be 2 in March. Finally, baby #4 from my sister is going to arrive in May. Will it be a boy? The odds are against them, but only time will tell. Brent, my brother, and his wife Amanda, have a son named Owen now, and he also is stealing my heart. I have so much love for these kids I can only imagine what it will be like to have a child of my own someday.

Currently I am reading "Eldest" by Christopher Paolini and I am thoroughly enjoying it. When I'm not working or visiting with family/friends, I'm reading this book and watching Jane Austin movies or other chick flicks. It's nice to get wrapped up in someone else's life even if only for a few hours!

I am playing piano more at church and it's wonderful. Ben is coming along in his guitar playing, and I'm so proud of him.

Should this post seem to sappy or happy, it is not to say that my life is a bed of roses. There are some things that I am currently praying through, but because I've been consistently laying things at the Lord's feet, He is giving me joy through my difficult circumstances. I really am a content woman.