A Test of My Faith

I wonder how Sarah felt - when Abraham came to her and told her that the Lord had spoken to him and told him that it was time to leave his native country to go to a place he had never seen before - I wonder what went through her mind. Was she afraid? Did she cry? It was their homeland, so she must have had relatives nearby. Having had no children of her own at the time, she must have had nieces and nephews that she spent time with. Was she worried? After they decided to pack up and leave, I wonder if she ever second guessed herself or the direction Abraham knew he had to take. Scripture doesn’t really tell us how Sarah felt, but I have thought about her a lot these past few weeks in particular. For a few months now Ben and I have been praying specifically about whether or not we were to stay at the Wesleyan church here in Perth-Andover for yet another year. Ben has been restless for quite some time. Last year I thought we were going to resign as Ben was very adamant about it, but then the Lord made it very clear that we were to stay. This year things were different. I’m not saying that we’re necessarily leaving our homeland to go to a place we’ve never seen as was the case with Abraham and Sarah, but I am saying that we could end up anywhere. We’re considering all possibilities – looking into churches further away while hoping churches in our district will open up and at the same time praying about missions and if that is a step we are to take. Ben is looking for something fairly specific. He’s ready to be stretched in other areas of ministry, while all this time he and I are being stretched in our faith.

I’ve done a lot of praying and reflecting. I’ve had my angry fit with God and then realized how foolish it was. I’ve cried. I’ve been anxious. I’ve worried. Time and again God has revealed himself to me. “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7). I’ve claimed that verse on my knees.

For the past 5 years I have been blessed to live so close to my family. Who would have ever thought that the Lord would enable my husband to work with my brother-in-law? I’ve enjoyed living near my sister and her beautiful girls. I’ve watched my nieces grow. I’ve furthered my education. I’ve found full time work. I’ve made a lot of friends. I’ve matured as a minister’s wife and grown in knowing what it means to serve as one. Now I have no idea what is happening. Everything before was so certain and now it’s so…not. At least when I think logically it’s not. I mean, a logical thinker would say, “Are you out of your mind? Look at the job you have? Look at the financial security you two have there? He shouldn’t resign unless he has another place to go.” And trust me, there are logical thinkers in my life who have either voiced that opinion or whom I know have thought it. Sometimes I look at my husband and say, “Are we crazy? We’re crazy. This is crazy.” He just chuckles at me and reminds me of the Lord’s faithfulness. He has no doubts about the decision. Although I am wrestling with my emotions, I back him 100%. One time while battling out on my knees it was as though God said, “Do you trust me? Do you trust your husband?” As the spiritual leader of my home, Ben is ready to step out into the unknown and trust that the right doors will open, and I am ready to go with him – wherever that may lead us. One time in the midst of my tears Ben offered to “settle” saying, “Well, I could just work somewhere so you could keep your job.” Then how unsettled he would be! “No Ben, you are meant for full time ministry in the church, and I am meant to serve there with you. I would not be happy if you were not working in a church or mission setting.” As much as the spiritual growing pains hurt, I am still praising God as I know I will be refined in my faith – weak as it may be at the moment.

I guess there’s still hope that I might get to continue working around here, but it’s a small hope. The Lord has truly blessed me here, and I just have to trust that wherever He leads, He will bless me there too. As I said to Ben, “Everywhere we go there will be a school. Children need an education. The Lord opened the doors here for me for a reason, and He will do the same elsewhere according to His plan.”

“ ‘My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts’, says the LORD. ‘And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine’” (Isaiah 55:8). How true that verse is! I have no idea what He has in store for us! The Lord has proven himself faithful to me in times past, and I know He will continue to do so in the times to come.

My Poor Neglected Blog...

Okay, I'll be the first to admit that I've neglected my blogging duties and given in to the the world of quick posts on facebook walls. Alas, after a reminder from a friend, through facebook of course, I thought I'd better update my blog and see if anyone actually still reads it.

This year I am working under full contract for the School District, and I am absolutely loving it! I am a Literacy mentor, which means that I have the privilege of working with small groups of children and assisting them with their reading and writing. I am a K-8 mentor which involves working at a few other schools, but most of the time I am at the elementary school where I taught 5th grade last year. I am so blessed! God has also given me the ability to write an ILF (Innovative Learning Fund)grant which has been accepted. He used my friend Carol Jarvis, whom I work with, to encourage me and work with me in this endeavour. I would tell you all that I will be receiving as a result of it, but that would be boasting in myself. If you really want to know you can ask me, but I really have to direct the praise to God. Let's just say, it involves Smart Boards and some other technology of which I am really excited! It feels good to give back to a school and a District that has been so good to me.

Ben and I have started looking into adoption. This is not to say that we will never be able to conceive children, but with all the tests and such that I am undergoing, it is to say that we see it as a part of a process. Some developments have been made with regards to my health (oh the stories I could tell!), but at this time I feel they are too personal to get into - at least on-line. Should you see me in person and want to know I will gladly share it with you. I have an incredible peace. There is freedom in surrendering what I want for what God wants. The more I share, the more I realize that there are many other women out there like me who are working through the same things. With all the pregnancies I keep hearing about, there is yet another silent woman out there trying to work through the frustration of not being able to conceive. I am still hoping for a child of my own bloodline, but I am excited about the possibility of adoption as well. It will not be an easy process. Just this evening I looked over the sheet with some questions I have to answer about what I would accept in a child (family history, etc.). These are things that most people don't have to think about when they're having biological children of their own. Ben and I are going to tackle this carefully and prayerfully over the weekend.

Ah yes, the weekend. Charisma, my adorable niece, is turning 4 years old and there's going to be a party at her house. She's as hilarious as ever. Sheridan, is now 6, and just the other day her teacher told me that she had 3 boys fighting over who was going to marry her! Aparently there is a 4th one who was home sick!!! LOL! As Sheridan's teacher said, "Sheridan is friends with everyone. She loves everybody." I joked and told her teacher, "You better watch out for those preacher's daughters!" Needless to say, someday I'll be sharing that story at her wedding. Arianna is talking more and is cute as a button. She'll be 2 in March. Finally, baby #4 from my sister is going to arrive in May. Will it be a boy? The odds are against them, but only time will tell. Brent, my brother, and his wife Amanda, have a son named Owen now, and he also is stealing my heart. I have so much love for these kids I can only imagine what it will be like to have a child of my own someday.

Currently I am reading "Eldest" by Christopher Paolini and I am thoroughly enjoying it. When I'm not working or visiting with family/friends, I'm reading this book and watching Jane Austin movies or other chick flicks. It's nice to get wrapped up in someone else's life even if only for a few hours!

I am playing piano more at church and it's wonderful. Ben is coming along in his guitar playing, and I'm so proud of him.

Should this post seem to sappy or happy, it is not to say that my life is a bed of roses. There are some things that I am currently praying through, but because I've been consistently laying things at the Lord's feet, He is giving me joy through my difficult circumstances. I really am a content woman.