Humbled

I just couldn't sleep. I'm still trying to process things.

Last night I went to what I thought was a girl's night out for laughter and playing games. When Mom and I arrived, there were more vehicles than I expected, and when I walked into the house, there were some balloons on the wall. The evening was at Joy Guptill's house, and so I thought that the balloons were either for her (since she and Rod may be moving soon) or that they were left from a luncheon Joy and Colleen MacNeil held Friday that I was unable to attend. After the room full of ladies chatted and shared some laughter, we decided to have our snack for the evening. As I sat down to eat my food, Colleen looked at me and said, "So Sarah do you know why we're really here?"

"Um...no...I thought it was a games night."

Then Colleen proceeded to tell me that the Sunday she spoke with me on the phone after our adoption seminar, she got off the phone and was thinking about how I had said I needed to come up with at least $1200 for a home study. I had told her that I had no idea where this money was going to come from, but that we were just stepping out in faith. It was then that the Lord spoke to her and said, "I'm going to provide that money. Here's what you need to do." He then started to give her names of people to phone to ask to donate $100. Colleen went on to say this was their way of saying that they love Ben and me and they want to support us in this endeavor.

She then handed me an envelope with a card and money inside of it. Of course I immediately started crying and felt so humbled. These people could not receive tax receipts for their generosity, and many of them really could've held on to that $100 because they have their own needs. I know some of these families well, and I know that $100 is a huge sacrifice. What do you say to that? Thanks seems so small and insignificant.

After I shared about how we were led to our current circumstances, I asked Colleen, "How in the world did you phone these people and ask for $100?" I thought about how selfish I can be, and how if the Lord had prompted me to do such a thing for someone if I would be willing to do it. I believe it takes a special person to be so bold at the Lord's prompting for something such as this.

She told me about how her heart was pounding when she phoned the first person, but that they immediately said "yes." In the midst of her phoning, her daughter Laura - whom I might add is graduating this year from high school - even went to the bank and got out $100 to give us.

12 people/families - $1200. As I pondered the event afterwards, I noted that the 12 people/families had been touched by infertility at some point or time. Apart from the Laura and her family and maybe one other family, the others had either adopted, had miscarriages, had been barren for a time, or had children who were struggling with infertility. One family I didn't even know that well, and yet they were willing to give.

As I write this I wondered if I should write their names, but then I thought that perhaps they would want to remain anonymous. I am just so thankful that they were willing to give and be sensitive to what the Lord prompted Colleen to do. So I'm writing to give the Lord praise. It was last week when I started to set up an excel file to keep track of adoption expenses that I created a file that also said, "God's Provision." I remember hearing the Lord say, "You just wait and see how I'm going to provide" and thinking that in time I would be baffled at how the provision would match or even outmatch the expenses. In my own mind I think I have it figured out with praying for a good teaching job, but then I know that often the Lord works around my plans to prove how powerful and awesome He is - so that it's not what I have done but what HE has done. It's His way of increasing my faith and getting the glory. Even if a teaching job were provided - it would be a miracle if you knew what's going on with education in the province right now and how hard it is to work your way into a new school district. Last week $750 had come in - once again from families/individuals who really could've used the money elsewhere. I'm often amazed at how the people who seem to have so little give so much.

Mike Tapper, who with his wife Kristi have adopted from Ukraine and are now adopting from Ethiopia had said to us, "If money is what's holding you back, you just need to step forward and do it. You'll be amazed at how the Lord will provide." I knew He was right, but I also thought that kind of stuff would happen for other people, not us. Yet at the same time, I was believing God would provide. I just can't believe that He would have us go into debt for our children - that we would be strapped financially to grow our family. He's bigger than this. He can heal me if He so chooses, but He can also make a way for us to go to Africa.

I've had money provided for missions trips, and in those times I was humbled and ever so grateful. I was also thankful that tax receipts could be given. This is a whole different experience for me. People are donating to help us have a baby. How do you say "thank-you?" This is the kind of thing that I figured I would read about, but I didn't think it would be me. My head is just spinning as I think about how God has provided already, and I think to myself, "Am I going to be able to handle what's coming?"

I'm just so humbled. I can't stress it enough. I am SO HUMBLED. I just want to kneel my head and give praise to JEHOVAH-JIREH - MY PROVIDER. He deserves ALL glory and praise.

Dreaming...

So I've been dreaming a lot lately about some things that I had stopped dreaming about - particularly things that relate to children. When you're in my position, you have a tendency to put up certain "safe guards" as a means of protecting yourself from hurt. You learn to let go. A few key moments in my infertility journey of letting go: packing away maternity clothes and putting away things purchased for the baby's room. I knew that I would still be a mom someday, but I couldn't see how or when it would happen, and so, instead of painfully looking at those things, I felt it was best to hide them away so that I could move on with what my life currently was.

With the adoption process progressing slowly but surely, I've actually started dreaming about my baby's room again...Only this time, it's different from what I was dreaming about the first time around. Instead of traditional light blue and yellow quilts, I'm thinking about giraffes, elephants, and zebras. That's a clue as to where we feel the Lord is leading us to adopt from. More details will be posted soon, but let's just say I did a lot of researching agencies, countries, etc. etc. and Ethiopia ended up being the country of choice for us. I've found Ethiopian children's books, music, an Ethiopian alphabet...things to help promote a sense of culture for our baby - I'm having a blast learning about Ethiopia. You know we even sponsor a child in Ethiopia and I'm dreaming about visiting him. When we chose him a few years back I distinctly remember saying to Ben, "Oh he's so cute! It's too bad we'll never get to meet him. It's not like we'll be going to Africa someday."

The other day I was scolding myself for opening up this part of my heart again...for having "fun" thinking about the possibilities. I thought to myself, "Sarah, why are you doing this to yourself? You're only setting yourself up for disappointment again..." Then, during a time of prayer, it was as if the Lord said to me, "Sarah, do you think I would intentionally hurt you?" It's like He was trying to tell me that it was okay to have fun with my "paper pregnancy." Yet I'm still working through my trust issues with the Lord and hoping that I'm not doing all of this stuff because it fits "my will." Time and time again he proves himself. Last week when I asked him, "Is this really where you want us to go? Is this really what you want us to do?" he provided $750 from unexpected sources - people whom he'd spoken to about us. There have been other things, and yet, I still question and doubt. My faith is so weak! It's a constant battle in the mind for me. So I'm trying to dream a little and let go of my fears of something happening to take away my joy.

Trust issues indeed...with a change in career ahead and no job on the horizon as of yet, an upcoming home study in which finances will be looked at, and other things that have been nabbing at my attention over the past few months, I've been stretched in many ways. Yes, you heard correctly - a change in career. I'm going back into teaching. It is a passion that the Lord has given me. I know I was suppose to contribute to the college for this past year, but now it's time to get back into the classroom. If I have to substitute teach I will, but I can't help but hope that the Lord has a full time position for me. After many tears, much prayer, and seeking wise counsel, I knew I had to return to teaching, and I had an immediate peace once the decision was made.

It has been a hard year for me. I've had to work through a great many things, but as cliche as it sounds, the Lord has proved Himself faithful. Some days I am afraid of all the unknowns, and I play the "If _____ then_____" game, but then I have to remind myself that no matter what, the Lord will be there for me. Although it has been painful and there is more waiting ahead, I am grateful, and I will try to continue dreaming in hopes that I can let go of my fears in preparation for a little one that God has for us.