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So the Gluten-Free Journey Continues...

Day 20 of the Gluten/Wheat Free Diet

Okay, so I've been managing to do quite well thus far, but I really haven't had much time to expand my horizons in the realm of recipes just yet. I did make some gluten-free muffins from a mix, but I'm believing that there are tastier ones out there - I just haven't found them yet. I love to bake, so I'm hoping that when I'm home with the baby I can incorporate some baking into my daily routine. Giving up bread wasn't a hard thing to do, because I have avoided bread most of the time since the last time I tried to go wheat free. It will be hardest when I bake brown bread for others, because I must admit, I make a pretty good loaf of brown bread...and it tastes so good with molasses...

I confess, I gave in and ate some tomato soup while my husband was away. I know!! How could I??? I guess you could call it "the last supper." You see, I LOVE Campbell's tomato soup...but it has wheat in it. Alas, it was the last can, so indeed, it was my last Campbell's tomato soup supper. *sigh* On the brighter side, I did find some non-contaminated oats at the Health Food Store. I was extremely excited and showed my husband the box this morning with admiration. You see, I love eating oatmeal for breakfast, and I did not want to give it up. Cream of rice just isn't the same. So today I returned to oatmeal, and all is well in Sarah's breakfast land. Now I can make some granola bars...Glory Hallelujah!

Shortly into my new eating regime I had a dream about wanting to eat cake. Those who know me, know I LOVE desserts. There were two types of cakes, a carrot cake (which isn't even my favorite) and a cheesecake (of which I wouldn't be able to eat the crust). In my dream I was trying to justify why I should be able to eat the cakes, but I just couldn't break down and eat them. I was trying to imagine what I would tell my friend Kim - the one who is eating gluten free with me. "But Kim, I just HAD to eat that piece of cake..." I can't remember how my dream ended.

So the eating regime continues. I'm going to be staying in the hospital after the baby is born, and I've never had to stay in a hospital overnight before, but I'm determined to go armed and ready with some good snacks and food (including granola bars).
I think that is key - being prepared in different food situations (such as potlucks). I'm discovering there are many who eat similarly, and they have already sent me some great links to check out. I'll let you know once I've tested and tried some successful recipes!

Gluten Free & Wheat Free for a Year - call me Crazy!

The Gluten/Wheat Free Journal
(Currently on Day 5, but a story to how it all began)

So recently I haven't been watching my diet as much and it has caught up with me. Shortly before Christmas I had a major attack of the endometriosis - and it wasn't pretty. My abdomen was so sore that the next day I was still feeling it. The last time I had an attack like that I changed my diet radically. I was feeling better, and then I slowly learned how to "get away" with not being quite so strict...that is until recently.

The only educated person on the matter I've been able to find who actually understands my disease is in England. I spoke with her once, and what she said made sense. I would love to go see her in person, but I don't think that will be happening any time soon. Now I am revisiting her book, and I am going to adapt some things. If I have adverse side effects, then I will adapt further. For instance, I will cut out red meat the majority of the time, apart from visiting friends and family (ham & roast). Instead of only eating goat dairy products (which can cost an arm and a leg), I will continue to eat cow's dairy (once again unless there are some adverse side effects). Now for the biggie - the one that is going to be the hardest for me - going gluten and/or wheat free. I will include an excerpt from one of my favorite books about endometriosis in a moment, but first I have to tell you the events that led me to this decision.

While attending the LoveMercy Conference, I ran into a friend from my college years. While chatting she asked me a lot of questions about my diet and endometriosis. She has a daughter with celiac disease and so she knows what it is like to have to modify the diet. After speaking with her, I later said to Ben, "You know, I feel like that I really need to give this nutrition thing a go in the new year. It's like I've tried every thing else in the medical realm, but I really haven't given my body a chance to try and heal through nutrition. Maybe I could ask my friend (whom I'd been talking to about it and will currently remain anonymous) if she could hold me accountable for the next year." I left it at that and pondered it. The next day, my friend - the one whom I had considered to hold me accountable, said that she woke up and the Lord had placed me immediately on her mind. She was thinking about me and my circumstances. She said some other things that I will journal about in my more personal journal, but they were things that I needed to hear. Then she said that she was willing to commit to eating gluten-free with me for the entire year. THE ENTIRE YEAR people!! I couldn't believe it. She said she was in it for the long haul, so I decided that because I had been thinking about it, and since the Lord had placed me so heavily upon her heart without me even mentioning what I was thinking about my diet and nutrition, that I would give it ago. I'm currently on Day 5 and will start to journal about it regularly - especially when I come across some good recipes etc. It's more than just being gluten/wheat free though because there are a lot of things without that which I could eat; however, they're not all healthy for me. For my body to function properly, it needs lots of healthy food. Currently, when it comes to eating healthy, I have NO SELF CONTROL. I'm addicted to chocolate and I love just eating quick meals that don't require a lot of prep time. This way of eating requires no processed foods etc. And so, I've been revisiting a favorite book listed in the next paragraph.

In Dian Shepperson Mills book "Endometriosis: A Key to Healing and Fertility Through Nutrition" she says the following:

" Wheat-free or gluten-free, or both - this is the question. Around 80 percent of women with endometriosis are finding that, by cutting wheat out of their diet, their abdominal pain is reduced or vanquished. In researching this phenomenon, it has been discovered that wheat, having been genetically modified in the early 1970's, has had two hormones added into its genetic sequence. Further research in this area is about to begin at the Endometriosis and Fertility Clinic.
In the spring of this year, eight women with endometriosis gathered together for a television recording. They ate a pleasant lunch, which consisted of gluten-free bread, rice pasta, gram-flour pastries and salad. Yet, overnight, seven out of eight were very ill with abdominal pain - which was so severe in two cases that they passed out. All had been on wheat-free diets and all had remained pain-free for several months beforehand. It was discovered that only the gluten-free bread had contained wheat flour in the form of coeliac flour (wheat with the gluten washed out). This clearly indicates that it was not the gluten that was causing the problem, as all other foods were wheat- and gluten-free, but strong implies that it is some other substance in the wheat that ay be triggering the endometriotic implants to become more implants to become more inflammatory. This substance could be phytic acid, phytoestrogen, xenooestrogens from pesticides (wheat is sprayed between 9 to 12 times as it grows), excess bran or the two hormones in the plant's genes which were not present naturally."

So there you have it. Call me crazy, but I need to see if changing my diet gluten/wheat free and all works. I'm just plain tired of being tired and dealing with pain, digestive issues, and the like. Enough with looking for a "quick fix." Some things just need some time, prayer, and discipline!

Surviving Times Square on New Year's Eve in New York City: 101

There are some basic tips that I would recommend for surviving what might be your first AND last New Year's Eve in New York City. For those of you who enjoy sitting at home on your comfy couch with potato chips and hot chocolate in hand, might I just say that, indeed, you most likely have better seats than the people in attendance. In fact, that's just it. YOU HAVE SEATS. The people there DON'T. As you will soon find out from reading this post, the entertainment is for the viewer at home, NOT for the viewer who is live and in person.

Tip #1: Go early. We went around 3:00 and had a fairly good standing area, but we didn't get to be near Ryan Seacrest and other major reporters for Dick Clark's New Year's Eve show. We saw some (such as Anderson Cooper) from a distance on the stage. We also didn't get to be near the buildings where the confetti was thrown. That's right - the confetti is literally thrown by people from the nearby buildings. It was reported we made it onto CBS, but not the other shows. I would like to check out the footage to see if our area was at least remotely on television. Which brings me to another important tip...

Tip#2: Wear something that will make you stand out. Everyone will have New Year's hats and glasses. I would have had my lobster hat, but I forgot him at home. I nearly bought another one and really should have. Folks at home will be trying to find you, and if you have something crazy on, the cameras are more likely to love you and you'll be more easily spotted amongst the thousands of people. With something like a crazy hat, there should be no mistaking it is you.

Tip #3: Keep in mind that the entertainment is not for you. Why? I'm not sure really, since you're the one who is standing in the cold and damp for hours on end to see the ball drop. The performers will perform live; however, they will not perform to the crowd, but to the cameras. In fact, you will get to hear them do their sound checks and dances a few times before performing live. If you're lucky, you might see one of them climbing the steps to the stage and acknowledge the crowd as we did with J-Lo's husband Marc Anthony, but apart from that, you have to hope you have a good view of one of the few screens that is showing what is being filmed. That's right - one of the few screens. Only a couple screens show the footage while the others continue to flash their advertisements. Unless you're near Ryan Seacrest, you really won't know much of what is going on. They'll play some music for you in between the sound checks and live performances and try to get you rowled up with balloons, but after awhile, the balloons get old. Instead of waving them, you'll may want to make balloon animals.

Tip#4: Be prepared to stand for hours with no seating room. We stood for 9-10 hours and were exhausted by the end of it which brings me to...

Tip#5: Steer clear of fluids. Once you are herded into a pen of people, you will not get to go to the bathroom for the next 9-10 or however many hours you are there. You can try and find a nearby restaurant, but the odds of you making it back to your friends are slim. There are also long lines into the nearby restaurants. It has been said that some people wear "Depends." We actually saw a water bottle filled with urine that someone (obviously had to be male) peed in. Since I have no desire to wear "Depends" or pee in a bottle, I opted to not drink much for the majority of the day. If you do take fluids, save them for the last hour or so. Now, there is a possibility that had we been able to make it near the "Charmin" area we would have had bathroom access. Charmin sets up a bathroom area and makes it entertaining for people We saw it in the distance, but since we were caged in we could not make it there.

Tip#6: Pack food. We didn't pack food because we were told they wouldn't let us take food into the Square. Our trip was also in some ways a last minute ordeal. We just weren't thinking! Since you will be standing for a long time, you will miss meals and will be very hungry. McDonald's may come around with Big Macs, but they will cost you at least $6.00 for just the burger!

Tip #7: Wear layers. It could be very cold and damp. Umbrellas are not convenient for a large crowd - they block people's view - so pack a poncho if need be. Heat packs would come in handy too in case your feet get cold. We were fortunate that although it was damp, it wasn't as cold as it could have been; however, better to be dressed really warm and have to shed layers than wishing you had more layers to put on.

Tip #8: Go with a group of people who are ready to have fun and meet new people. Standing for so long can make you feel crazy, and thus, you want to be with people who won't complain and who are in it for the long haul. Our group had a blast. In fact, we were the only ones (apart from a few Canadians next to us and some intoxicated people behind us) who were moving a lot to the music. The movement helped keep us warm and helped pass the time. We had a lot of laughs during the process while meeting the people around us. In fact, our group enabled other people to laugh and have a good time as well while standing for so long.

So there you have it. These are just a few of the tips I have from my limited experience. At the beginning of the process I remember thinking, "I can't believe people come out into this madness every year." In the middle of the process I remember thinking, "This is crazy. WE are crazy." At the end of it I remember thinking, "This is so surreal!!" and then, "Well that was anti climatic. I thought there would be more fireworks." After walking away from the experience in the midst of the mayhem of New York City (the streets were literally lined with people trying to leave Time's Square), I remember thinking "That was awesome, but I will NEVER do that again." Then, after Ben and I somewhat recovered we were thinking... "You know what. In another 10 years it might be fun to do that again." I guess we shall see...only if there is a next time, I'll be prepared - snacks, poncho, lobster hat and all! Perhaps you'll want to join us for the madness!

Adoption Update

Lots going on - substitute teaching and PRIDE (Provincial Adoption/Foster care classes) take up most of my time along with other commitments. Here's the latest update: www.canneyland.wordpress.com There are some crucial things to pray about so please check it out!

For the Love of Teaching

I love teaching. I love walking into the classroom and having the privilege of shaping young minds. I love knowing that there's power in words and that what I say can make a child's day and encourage a sense of self worth. I love receiving hugs and being followed on the playground. I love working with children, and I feel especially blessed to be receiving at lot of work at a nearby elementary school.

Today I was followed by a little guy who must be after my own heart. He is in grade 2. If any of you know me well, you know I love to make up songs. I could hardly believe my ears today when while strolling out onto the playground he said, "Mrs. Canney, I love making up songs. Would you like to make up some songs with me?"

"Sure," I replied, and so, as we patrolled the playground, we sang about soccer, we sang about the weather, we sang about children. It was great! A little girl in kindergarten joined us and scampered about picking up garbage, and before long, we had a following of different children holding hands and hopping along.

When you love what you're doing for a profession, it really doesn't seem like work. Yes, teaching does have its stresses, and there are times when you're fighting cold and flu because you're with kids all the time, but it's so rewarding. For me, teaching isn't just a profession; it's a passion. It's a part of who I am.

For the love of teaching I am willing to take those early morning phone calls, work with different children in different schools, and try to work my way into another district. At first it was frustrating trying to find an "in," but praise be to God, He is opening doors and enabling me to see that substitute teaching may not be such a bad option for me at this time. I haven't got everything figured out yet, but like everyone else, I'm taking things one day at a time. I am grateful for God's favor and provision, and I feel blessed that He has equipped me with the ability to teach.

Quick Update

**update on adoption blog: www.canneyland.wordpress.com**

I will be writing about some things pertaining to other things in my life soon, but since the adoption seems to be occupying a lot of my life write now, that's what I'm mostly writing about. I have started substitute teaching again, so that should allow for some fun stories soon. It certainly is great to be back in the classroom!!

Just to Let You Know...

*I've updated our adoption blog: www.canneyland.wordpress.com

*I'm finished working at Bethany.

*I'm going to Boston to hear Rob Bell this month. Ben and I will be traveling with Mike and Colleen MacNeil and then enjoying the weekend in Boston. Woot! Woot!

*I'm officially a substitute teacher in School District 6.

*I'm grateful for God's blessings in my life.

Hello Uncertainty!

Okay, so I'm about to embark into some unfamiliar territory in more ways than one. First, unemployment. I'm hoping I wont' have to rely on this, but considering the numbers for Ben's salary alone just don't add up I need to investigate this should I not get the substitute teaching I had hoped for. However, I hope to prevent this by going to meet some principals after I'm completed at BBC a week from today. That being said, I am embarking into more unfamiliar territory. A new school district...new schools...new people to meet. It's a bit nerve racking. Nothing job wise has really been made available for me to apply for in this district. It's just not a great year for teaching jobs. Therefore I will resort to the 6 AM phone call, and pray that it is for an elementary school. "Oh Lord, PLEASE let it be an elementary school." Seeing as God seems to enjoy having me face my fears, I have visions of me being in middle and high schools. Oh have mercy on us all! Just please let it ben an English class. I could live with that...maybe.

Sometimes it's hard to understand God's timing, but I guess that's how we grow. I mean, I usually think I have everything figured out, and then He goes and stretches my faith even more. I mean, I might have a baby come February, and as it stands, I have no full time work which means no maternity leave. I am on a leave of absence from District 14, mainly as a "safe guard" for myself and Ben for various reasons, but if I can't return there come next year, my "B" contract will be officially gone. I was told that it might help me in this district, but I'm still waiting to see the dividends of that.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Well, I will hopefully be updating this more often with my teaching adventures. Despite the uncertainty, I am excited to return to the classroom - where I belong. I'm even willing to volunteer in the meantime while I wait for some phone calls to help get my foot in the door, but even more so to be around the children.

Well, amidst all of this uncertainty, at least I know that one thing is for certain. God. He has proven Himself to me time and again, and so, though my knees are shaking, I must choose to look at Him and not at the waves around me. *sigh*

Quick Update

So I've finally taken the time to post an update on the adoption blog (www.canneyland.wordpress.com). I apologize that it's a long one, but I've been holding in some information for a little bit now as I've had to wait for some things to progress. I will post something in my own notes/blog soon with regards to reentering the world of substitute teaching. I am looking forward to it...not the six o'clock phone calls or the butterflies I get in my stomach when teaching a class for the first time or trying to locate a new school...I'm looking forward to the children. Once again, I am going to have to trust in what I can't see. I am going to have to trust that the Lord will provide the work. In all honesty, I could use a week off from any form of work. I could use some time for myself. I'd love to relax, read, and work around the house on things that I just haven't had time for - especially before a baby may arrive come February (see adoption post). It's like you wait and pray for things to happen, and then when the floodgates open it's like you say, "Whoa! Slow down. This is happening so fast." Go figure.

It certainly has been a busy summer. When I'm not at work, I'm making the most of my weekends. The thing I hate the most about working during this particular summer of all summers is that my nieces and nephew are living next door with mom and dad right now and I haven't been around to play with them. I've missed out on so many play dates it's not funny. I could be around to help my family out, and I'm not because I have to go to work. My sister Maridel and her husband Ryan are going to be moving to Nackawic come the end of August, and at least they'll be close enough for me to go visit. Oh how I'm going to miss the little faces of their children waving and calling to me from the house next door! Sheridan has said various times this summer, "I wish you were a teacher."

"I wish I were one too," I reply. "And I'm going to be come this September. Next summer will be different."

Indeed, next summer could be very different.

Adoption Blog Post

As much as I loved the many suggestions that were given and had plans of going with a much more sentimental title, time and experiences wore me down to Ben's beloved Canney Land. I figured that this would be fitting for after the children came along as well, as it seems our life has been quite the adventure. The web page still has some design and kinks to figure out (i.e. I'd like to find have some fun pics of us, more questions need to be answered, etc. etc. I'm hoping to finish up some aspects of it tomorrow night and refine it some more). Anyways, there is an updated post here:

http://canneyland.wordpress.com/

Humbled

I just couldn't sleep. I'm still trying to process things.

Last night I went to what I thought was a girl's night out for laughter and playing games. When Mom and I arrived, there were more vehicles than I expected, and when I walked into the house, there were some balloons on the wall. The evening was at Joy Guptill's house, and so I thought that the balloons were either for her (since she and Rod may be moving soon) or that they were left from a luncheon Joy and Colleen MacNeil held Friday that I was unable to attend. After the room full of ladies chatted and shared some laughter, we decided to have our snack for the evening. As I sat down to eat my food, Colleen looked at me and said, "So Sarah do you know why we're really here?"

"Um...no...I thought it was a games night."

Then Colleen proceeded to tell me that the Sunday she spoke with me on the phone after our adoption seminar, she got off the phone and was thinking about how I had said I needed to come up with at least $1200 for a home study. I had told her that I had no idea where this money was going to come from, but that we were just stepping out in faith. It was then that the Lord spoke to her and said, "I'm going to provide that money. Here's what you need to do." He then started to give her names of people to phone to ask to donate $100. Colleen went on to say this was their way of saying that they love Ben and me and they want to support us in this endeavor.

She then handed me an envelope with a card and money inside of it. Of course I immediately started crying and felt so humbled. These people could not receive tax receipts for their generosity, and many of them really could've held on to that $100 because they have their own needs. I know some of these families well, and I know that $100 is a huge sacrifice. What do you say to that? Thanks seems so small and insignificant.

After I shared about how we were led to our current circumstances, I asked Colleen, "How in the world did you phone these people and ask for $100?" I thought about how selfish I can be, and how if the Lord had prompted me to do such a thing for someone if I would be willing to do it. I believe it takes a special person to be so bold at the Lord's prompting for something such as this.

She told me about how her heart was pounding when she phoned the first person, but that they immediately said "yes." In the midst of her phoning, her daughter Laura - whom I might add is graduating this year from high school - even went to the bank and got out $100 to give us.

12 people/families - $1200. As I pondered the event afterwards, I noted that the 12 people/families had been touched by infertility at some point or time. Apart from the Laura and her family and maybe one other family, the others had either adopted, had miscarriages, had been barren for a time, or had children who were struggling with infertility. One family I didn't even know that well, and yet they were willing to give.

As I write this I wondered if I should write their names, but then I thought that perhaps they would want to remain anonymous. I am just so thankful that they were willing to give and be sensitive to what the Lord prompted Colleen to do. So I'm writing to give the Lord praise. It was last week when I started to set up an excel file to keep track of adoption expenses that I created a file that also said, "God's Provision." I remember hearing the Lord say, "You just wait and see how I'm going to provide" and thinking that in time I would be baffled at how the provision would match or even outmatch the expenses. In my own mind I think I have it figured out with praying for a good teaching job, but then I know that often the Lord works around my plans to prove how powerful and awesome He is - so that it's not what I have done but what HE has done. It's His way of increasing my faith and getting the glory. Even if a teaching job were provided - it would be a miracle if you knew what's going on with education in the province right now and how hard it is to work your way into a new school district. Last week $750 had come in - once again from families/individuals who really could've used the money elsewhere. I'm often amazed at how the people who seem to have so little give so much.

Mike Tapper, who with his wife Kristi have adopted from Ukraine and are now adopting from Ethiopia had said to us, "If money is what's holding you back, you just need to step forward and do it. You'll be amazed at how the Lord will provide." I knew He was right, but I also thought that kind of stuff would happen for other people, not us. Yet at the same time, I was believing God would provide. I just can't believe that He would have us go into debt for our children - that we would be strapped financially to grow our family. He's bigger than this. He can heal me if He so chooses, but He can also make a way for us to go to Africa.

I've had money provided for missions trips, and in those times I was humbled and ever so grateful. I was also thankful that tax receipts could be given. This is a whole different experience for me. People are donating to help us have a baby. How do you say "thank-you?" This is the kind of thing that I figured I would read about, but I didn't think it would be me. My head is just spinning as I think about how God has provided already, and I think to myself, "Am I going to be able to handle what's coming?"

I'm just so humbled. I can't stress it enough. I am SO HUMBLED. I just want to kneel my head and give praise to JEHOVAH-JIREH - MY PROVIDER. He deserves ALL glory and praise.

Dreaming...

So I've been dreaming a lot lately about some things that I had stopped dreaming about - particularly things that relate to children. When you're in my position, you have a tendency to put up certain "safe guards" as a means of protecting yourself from hurt. You learn to let go. A few key moments in my infertility journey of letting go: packing away maternity clothes and putting away things purchased for the baby's room. I knew that I would still be a mom someday, but I couldn't see how or when it would happen, and so, instead of painfully looking at those things, I felt it was best to hide them away so that I could move on with what my life currently was.

With the adoption process progressing slowly but surely, I've actually started dreaming about my baby's room again...Only this time, it's different from what I was dreaming about the first time around. Instead of traditional light blue and yellow quilts, I'm thinking about giraffes, elephants, and zebras. That's a clue as to where we feel the Lord is leading us to adopt from. More details will be posted soon, but let's just say I did a lot of researching agencies, countries, etc. etc. and Ethiopia ended up being the country of choice for us. I've found Ethiopian children's books, music, an Ethiopian alphabet...things to help promote a sense of culture for our baby - I'm having a blast learning about Ethiopia. You know we even sponsor a child in Ethiopia and I'm dreaming about visiting him. When we chose him a few years back I distinctly remember saying to Ben, "Oh he's so cute! It's too bad we'll never get to meet him. It's not like we'll be going to Africa someday."

The other day I was scolding myself for opening up this part of my heart again...for having "fun" thinking about the possibilities. I thought to myself, "Sarah, why are you doing this to yourself? You're only setting yourself up for disappointment again..." Then, during a time of prayer, it was as if the Lord said to me, "Sarah, do you think I would intentionally hurt you?" It's like He was trying to tell me that it was okay to have fun with my "paper pregnancy." Yet I'm still working through my trust issues with the Lord and hoping that I'm not doing all of this stuff because it fits "my will." Time and time again he proves himself. Last week when I asked him, "Is this really where you want us to go? Is this really what you want us to do?" he provided $750 from unexpected sources - people whom he'd spoken to about us. There have been other things, and yet, I still question and doubt. My faith is so weak! It's a constant battle in the mind for me. So I'm trying to dream a little and let go of my fears of something happening to take away my joy.

Trust issues indeed...with a change in career ahead and no job on the horizon as of yet, an upcoming home study in which finances will be looked at, and other things that have been nabbing at my attention over the past few months, I've been stretched in many ways. Yes, you heard correctly - a change in career. I'm going back into teaching. It is a passion that the Lord has given me. I know I was suppose to contribute to the college for this past year, but now it's time to get back into the classroom. If I have to substitute teach I will, but I can't help but hope that the Lord has a full time position for me. After many tears, much prayer, and seeking wise counsel, I knew I had to return to teaching, and I had an immediate peace once the decision was made.

It has been a hard year for me. I've had to work through a great many things, but as cliche as it sounds, the Lord has proved Himself faithful. Some days I am afraid of all the unknowns, and I play the "If _____ then_____" game, but then I have to remind myself that no matter what, the Lord will be there for me. Although it has been painful and there is more waiting ahead, I am grateful, and I will try to continue dreaming in hopes that I can let go of my fears in preparation for a little one that God has for us.

New Post Coming Soon...

I haven't blogged much this year. In some ways it's been a year of "silence" for me as I've sorted through some things. The dawn is breaking though, and I feel as though I will write again. I don't know if I have many readers left out there or not, but if you're still checking up on me, a post is coming soon.

Name Suggestions Welcome

Ben and I are looking for name suggestions for our web page. I've been given some great ideas already for our adoption web page that I really like, but I'm putting out one more invitation since Ben has posted it on his notes page on facebook. I suspect that my readers will be a little more creative. Ha! Ha! I could be wrong, but from what I've seen for my suggestions posted or e-mailed to me, and ones suggested on his....let's just say the ladies are being more creative - but I open guy suggestions on my page too.

We'll either decide on the ones we like, or post the 4 best ones for a vote - we haven't decided yet.

Thanks to those of you who have given some suggestions already!

Looking Forward to a NEW year...

Imagine finding out you (or your spouse) were pregnant and then being told that you needed to fill out some paperwork to ensure you were capable of looking after your child. In the paperwork you would have to give a detailed description of your immediate family - their education, their jobs, etc. along with that information for your spouse. You also had to give a detailed account of your education and work related background. Then you had to list why you wanted to have this baby and how long you had been trying to conceive the child. After sending in your paperwork, you were told you needed more things: letters of reference, medical reports for you and your spouse, original birth certificates, original marriage certificate, criminal record check, finger prints..etc. After the paper work was in order, you were told that a social worker would meet with you, and you would be assisted with the pregnancy process. Home visits would be scheduled. Interviews would be set up. How would you feel?

Well, I'm not pregnant, and quite frankly I would never wish that sort of experience on any expecting couple. That would be crazy! Yet every day, there are people who have children who are unable to properly care for them, and every day, there are couples like us, filling out paperwork trying to earn the right to parenthood. Please don't misunderstand me, I am in full support of the paperwork. I don't want them handing out children to creeps! I also understand the right people have when it comes to having children of their own and being given a chance to raise them. As a human being though, I have my moments of frustration. Three a half years of barrenness. My dreams of having children the same age as my siblings' children are slowing being widdled away. I have every right to be bitter, and I very well could be if I sat and thought about it long enough, but instead of choosing the path of bitterness I've chosen the path of acceptance. The Lord has entrusted me with this for a reason. I would not be who I am if I had been given children when I wanted them, and I have come to the conclusion that should He bless me with the ability to get pregnant, I am still supposed to adopt. This paperwork will not be in vain. Somewhere right now there is someone who is going to carry a child for me. She will be brave. She will be strong. She will be self-sacrificing.

I have finally accepted this path. Not that I hadn't before, but I'm ready. I'm ready for the world of paperwork and meetings. I'm ready for the task of trying to figure out how to financially bring this child or these children into our home. I'm ready to do whatever it takes to become a mom. After the move I put a push on to get paperwork done, and then it seemed there was a roadblock in my way, so I threw my hands up in surrender. I talked about adoption, but I had given up hope. I was frustrated and just plain tired. This was accompanied by my unsettledness about my change of career. I was emotional. I was irritable. I wasn't myself.

Then it was as if in the midst of my hopelessness the Lord broke through, and He found me. He sent different people into my life and others who had been there all along to check in with me or give me a word of encouragement. I think I started to get out of my rut when a good friend of mine recently said, "Sarah, the Lord has laid you heavily on my heart." She went on to list the two very things I had been weighed down about - one of which has to do with children. The other I can't mention at this time. I will tell you eventually, but it's not quite ready for the blogging world as of yet. Let's just say I'm excited about it, and as soon as I made the decision, I had an immediate peace. The whole children thing started to work itself out in a matter of a month. I went to see the specialist with Ben, and he was able to finish Ben's doctor referral. He also gave me the number of the place I had been referred to in Halifax. I now have an appointment in February. I must admit, I'm a bit skeptical as I think they're just going to talk to me about reproductive therapies and such, but I'm hoping the specialist can talk to me about my endometriosis more. I've also started seeing a naturopath, and we're trying to figure out what foods trigger reactions in my body. Thursday was red meat day. Sunday is cow's dairy day (Yippee!). A young couple around our age also stopped by to see us, and they had done a lot of research on adoption. Their circumstances are similar to ours. I was so encouraged after their visit, it was like I was driven to just plow through with this thing! Then we sent in Ben's paperwork and the remainder of our paperwork to Social Services. It was neat how it worked out. The worker was e-mailing us about our file the exact day she received our paperwork. She informed us of what else we needed and we got right to work - ordering birth certificates and marriage certificates (they require originals) through vital statistics. On Monday we have to get our finger printing done. I'm currently debating whether or not I should just start a separate blog about the adoption process we're going through. My life has pretty much always been an open book, and for me it has been a way to heal and continue on.

So I'm back. I have a lot to do around the house, and a lot to do in other areas, but I've determined to take it one day at a time. I have a lot of praying and reading to do within the next few months about endometriosis, fertility, and adoption (countries to adopt from and other adoption related things). I have a few countries in mind, but I really want to make sure that Ben and I go with one that we have a peace about. I'm excited about this new year. I was ready for one. Here's hoping 2009 holds a great many things for this Canney couple.

Getting Situated

I can't think. My mind is constantly going. It seems that I'm still trying to sort through the past few months. It's like I'm still trying to get situated...

IN MY HOME
- Is this really my home? That's what I keep asking myself. It's definitely my furniture, but it's still hard to believe it's my home. Of course, the money that's being taken out of my account every 2 weeks certainly says it's my home. There are still pictures to be put on the walls, draperies to be bought/made, areas to organize...it's just a matter of finding time and having the energy. By the time I get home from work and practice piano, I just want to rest.

IN MY HEALTH
- Since I last wrote I have contacted a nutritionist from London, England, who is the author of the book, "Endometriosis: A Guide to Healing and Fertility Through Nutrition." She has put me on a new eating plan (cutting out wheat, no refined sugars, goat's dairy rather than cow's dairy), vitamin supplements etc. I was doing well until this past week (added stress and unfortunately I like to eat foods that aren't good for me when I'm stressed). I can feel it in my body. I'm tired all of the time when I don't eat right. I have to get back on track. This nutritionist really is amazing and was certainly a God-send. I'm also looking into another option to help with my health. It's been good for me to learn more about my body and how it works even if it is frustrating at times. It's neat to learn about how in some ways the body can heal itself if it's given the right tools to do so! I don't really hope for pregnancy now, I just hope for no pain, and hope for children to come in God's way and in God's timing. That's not to say I never wish to get pregnant, it's just that hoping can hurt sometimes, and I just had to hand it over to God and say, "Here's my body. Do with it as you wish."

IN MY CLOTHES
- Yes you've heard correctly - in my clothes. Since I've started eating better I've been loosing weight. Please don't panic. I've lost 15 pounds, but I now weigh what I did when I got married 5 years ago. Who knew? I figured my weight gain had to do with metabolism slowing down due to age and that the "Brown" hips would continue to grow and expand throughout the course of my life. All along it had to do with too much bread and sugar! HA! I fit into a size 5 skirt, and I could hardly believe it. Now, all of the clothes I bought this past year from having gained more weight (stress!) are too big because I've lost the weight I gained altogether over the last 5 years. It's crazy!

IN MY BLOG
- I'd like to change my picture or get rid of it, but I just can't figure it out. I ran out of patience this evening for fear I wouldn't have time to write afterwards. Help!

IN MY COMMUNITY
- After living in one spot for 5 years you get accustomed to certain places, people, things...Sussex is a lot bigger than Perth-Andover. I like the convenience it has, but I'm still trying to figure out how I can get involved in the community. I'm still trying to get situated. I really miss working with small children, so I'm contemplating volunteering at the public school or tutoring after I get into some form of routine. I need to try and get to know my neighbours too (except for the ones behind me - ha! ha! i.e. Mom and Dad)

IN MY JOB
- I enjoy working at Bethany. I will confess that is an adjustment for the gal who loves teaching. The first few weeks I cried at night and thought I must be crazy. "What am I doing?" I knew what I wanted to do when I finished high school. There was no second guessing myself. With my new position as Admissions Coordinator, I love the learning curve. I love trying to get things organized and discovering ways to make data collection more efficient. I love being able to go home at night and leave my work at the office. I love having my weekends. It is a big change in my life though, and there are a lot of things that I'm trying to work through that I know the Lord wants me to work through. It's complicated. I'll leave it at that. Let's just say that I know I'm supposed to be where I am at this point and time.

IN MY PRAYER LIFE
- This is an area that needs some definite refining more than ever...especially concerning my current life circumstances!


Trying to get situated isn't necessarily a bad thing. It just takes time. I'm just in mourning right now. Indeed. I miss my sister and the kids. I miss my church family. I miss Andover Elementary and the staff. My life here is good. I just need some time to...get situated.

Isn't it Ironic?

Friday my husband and I were driving home pondering what the doctor had said. We were feeling down. Once again I thought I had it figured out with regards to the next step for my health. I thought that I could have the endometriosis removed even though it would most likely grow back. Instead, my options were: drugs, referral to Halifax in which they'll most likely say "You're great candidates for In Vitro" , or just wait. Just wait. This seems to be a common theme in my life lately. I told him to put my name on the waiting list for Halifax. We're not into in vitro, but we figure it wouldn't hurt to get another opinion. I am going to take some steps with regards to eating habits based on the books I'm reading. This will not be an easy task by any means, but I have to tell myself it could be the difference between health and sickness as my endo does cause me some problems at the most inconvenient times. Pregnancy or not, I do intend on being a mom, and I want to be a healthy one.

The silence in the vehicle was broken by a telephone call. That same day my sister had a doctor's appointment in Fredericton as well - only for something different - for her pregnancy. That same day - the day I was told that it would be very difficult for me to get pregnant naturally, she was going into labor. She was having a baby. As we headed for my brother's house where the family was gathering, I couldn't help but marvel at the irony of it all. My sadness was turned into excitement as I set aside my brokenness for her happiness.

Ryan was home sick with the flu, so I got to go to the hospital with Maridel and mom. It really was quite comical- my sister-in-law, mother, and I were more dramatic than my sister who was in the midst of pregnancy! I went to keep my father-in-law company in the waiting room while my mom stayed with my sister in the delivery room. I thought it was going to be all night and that I could pop back in later, but within 15 minutes of me leaving, Tyson Eugene Farrell made an entrance into the world at 7 lbs 1 ounce. As I looked at the beautiful bundle resting with his beaming mother, I couldn't help but praise God. Maridel looked radiant. Her cheeks were rosy and her eyes sparkled. After having three lovely daughters she now had a son.

Earlier that day I said something to my specialist. I said something that I knew I had to say because I believe the Lord put him in my pathway for a reason. Tearfully I told him why Ben and I really weren't into drugs or in vitro. I told him about my belief in Christ and about how I believed that if God wanted me pregnant He would allow it to be so, but if not, He must want us to adopt. I then told the specialist about my sister and about my brother who both have children and I said to him, "I wouldn't have it any other way. If it had to be one of us in this position, I'm glad it's me." I'll leave you to imagine his response. Apart from telling some family, I'm still pondering it in my heart.

On the way home, Ben told me that hidden away in one of his drawers is a pregnancy Willow Tree figurine that he bought nearly 3 years ago, and so, for now, tucked away it will remain. Perhaps it will signify me someday, or perhaps it will signify the woman who gives up a child for us to adopt.

Friday, May 9th: My nephew's birthday and the day that I finally let go and realized I may never give birth. Ironic. Don't you think?

Baffled

Nearly 2 months ago I wrote about how my faith was being tested. For weeks I have struggled with not worrying and trying to put my hope and trust in the Lord and in His will for Ben and myself. Ben and I were pursuing all options. A variety of District Superintendant’s were contacted, we met with our DS, we talked to pastors…doors continually closed, and I kept saying that I felt like we were looking in all of the wrong places. We even made contact with Global Partners, but we still couldn’t put our finger on why it just didn’t “feel right” at this point and time. In the midst of my worries, Ben would continue to say, “I know we’re doing the right thing,” and would pray with me when I fretted with tears. I lost sleep. Daily I had to try and hand my uncertainties over to the Lord.

Then it happened. My brother-in-law, Ryan, who is also Ben’s current boss, had mentioned he was talking with Kathy Shanks from Bethany Bible College a few days prior. She was asking about Ben and his plans. She mentioned that they were revamping the Admissions set-up at the college, and she was wondering if he might be interested. At first Ben thought, “No,” but then he decided that if this was something that might be presenting itself he should prayerfully consider it. This wasn’t to say that it was a complete open door. He decided to phone her. After he got off of the phone, we both thought, “Hmmm…” That entire day the Lord had brought Ben to her mind. Hmmmm….The job for Admissions counselor had been advertised for a year. Hmmmm… People had applied but they couldn’t seem to find the right person for the job. They were hoping for a Bethany grad if at all possible, and they wanted someone with youth ministry experience. Hmmmm…. Apparently, a few people had mentioned Ben’s name to her before he had resigned, but they didn’t believe in just “plucking” someone who was established in a church. Hmmmm… could this be it?

“But why would they want us? We’re just average people.”

Ben decided to talk with Lynn Erskine and Scott Rhyno for some input on the position and the opportunity. Both were candid about their experiences and were helpful in allowing Ben to contemplate the position. Yet Ben hadn’t been offered the position just yet. The Lord wanted us to wait yet again. Someone had been interviewed for the position, and the college was strongly considering that person. Although that person wasn’t a BBC grad, they had a lot to offer the college.

So we waited…and waited…and when we didn’t hear anything about an interview for Ben we figured the door was closed. Ben decided to contact Kathy and discovered that the door still might be open. As it worked out (yet again according to the Lord’s providence I believe) I had a women’s ministry executive meeting at BBC on a Saturday. When Kathy knew I was coming, she asked if Ben could come for an interview. During my women’s executive meeting in which Kathy was at as well, I took the minutes for the meeting on my laptop. Let’s just say that my grade 10 typing class has served me well. Discussion came up about my experience with technology too. (You will see how this fits in a moment.) A few days later Ben was offered the position, and he accepted. Not only were they so kind as to extend the job to him, but they offered me a position as a secretary in the Admission’s Office.

In other words, I would be his secretary!

In the midst of my excitement for his job I was now faced with another dilemma: Do I pursue a teaching job or do I accept this position at the college? I weighed the pros and cons of the situation. I felt confident that I could find a teaching job in Sussex with my résumé, but there were other things I needed to consider. I do love the teaching profession, but I also love the college and the students who attend it. When the thought had occurred to me that Ben might possibly end up at BBC I told the Lord that I would be open to investing in the lives of the young women there. I figured I could do this here and there when I could, but I never dreamed that I could gain an “in” with some of the students by working there. Teaching is a profession that follows me home. I eat, breathe, and sleep it. Some days I work from 8:00-5:00, come home and eat, and then work for another 2-3 hours. On the weekends my mind is also consumed with things that need to be done for school. I thought about my husband traveling 1/3 of the time, and I imagined him coming home from a trip and me with my nose stuck in the books, planning lessons and marking papers. Secretarial work involves less vacation time and less pay, but it is a job that when I leave the office, I leave it there.

I want to go home and take time to cook a decent meal. I want to be able to go for walks with my husband in the evenings without thinking about what it is I have to plan for the next day. I want to enjoy being a part of his life and his job. I will definitely give him his space in the office and allow him to excel in what he does, but I relish in the fact that we’ll have the same hours and that we’ll both get to share in the lives of the students. We’ll both be giving back to a school that we love so very much. Some things are more important than money, and what’s a vacation if you don’t make time for your spouse throughout the entire year? We have good health and my parents have good health. Less stress is key for me right now, and although every job has its stresses, I’m excited about this new opportunity and challenge, as well as about the skills that I will gain in this new role. For the record, I LOVE teaching, and this decision was a tough one, but I know it's what I am to do. I can't fully explain it. I just know.

As I reflect on my life, I can see how the Lord has been preparing me for this role. It’s amazing to see how the pieces are fitting together. A part of me worries about disappointing people who think that I should remain teaching at this time, but then I have to remind myself that I’m not living my life for those people. I’m living my life for the Lord. Not everyone understood why I chose to go to BBC 10 years ago instead of to STU or UNB. Not everyone will understand 10 years later why I am choosing to go to BBC to work instead of the public school system. All I know is I have a peace about my choice. I just know it's what I am to do. God has given me a great marriage, and I want to preserve that. He has given me a heart for the college just as he has given me a heart for working with children. He has also already been giving me some tangible ways of how I can minister not only to the students on campus but to the local schools. I’ve let my job consume me so much over the past few years that I haven’t always made time for people. It’s time for that to change. Does this mean I will never return to the classroom? Not necessarily. It just means that I’m exploring a new opportunity that has presented itself. I believe that every experience I have is God’s way of shaping and molding me into the woman He wants me to be.

I never dreamed that Ben would get to work for Bethany, let alone myself! This was something we weren’t even looking for, and I think that’s what makes it so awesome. This is better than anything I could have imagined at this point in our lives. I am humbled and grateful. I am in awe of the Lord’s goodness. I am completely…baffled.

Should you think of us could you please pray that we will be able to find an affordable home? The market there is “hot” and a potential house we had hoped to look at has sold already. I just had to tell myself that it wasn’t the house God has picked out for us. We don’t want to live beyond our means, but we do want a house that we feel at home in.

Quick and Random Thoughts

- I tried to change the face of my blog and lost my links. Not cool. Now I need to find them and the time to put them back in. Sadness. To make matters worse, I don't even know if I like this new blog look. Way to go Sarah...

- Ben and I still have no idea where we are going. I'm glad God knows. I hope He lets us know soon.

- I've been reading up on endometriosis. Changing my diet won't be easy, but it will be worth it in the long run.

- Ben and I have a date night tonight. We're going to relax and watch a movie. Sweet. Tomorrow we'll go grocery shopping.

- We'd love to have a dog, but we don't know where we are moving to. I don't know if we'll get one for a while anyways.

- The snowfleas are out and Ben and I have begun our annual snowflea tally to see who can kill the most that we find in our apartment. Sarah: 7 Ben: 4

- We're thinking about adopting from Russia, but I need to make some more phone calls. Ukraine would be nice but they're
making it difficult for people to adopt from there.

- My belly is still sore, but I think I'm doing quite well. I have yet to pick the scab from my belly button. I'm waiting to make sure it's completely healed in there. You're probably getting sick of hearing about it so I'll just let it be.

- I still need to post about aging and conducting my mole experiment.