Quick and Random Thoughts

- I tried to change the face of my blog and lost my links. Not cool. Now I need to find them and the time to put them back in. Sadness. To make matters worse, I don't even know if I like this new blog look. Way to go Sarah...

- Ben and I still have no idea where we are going. I'm glad God knows. I hope He lets us know soon.

- I've been reading up on endometriosis. Changing my diet won't be easy, but it will be worth it in the long run.

- Ben and I have a date night tonight. We're going to relax and watch a movie. Sweet. Tomorrow we'll go grocery shopping.

- We'd love to have a dog, but we don't know where we are moving to. I don't know if we'll get one for a while anyways.

- The snowfleas are out and Ben and I have begun our annual snowflea tally to see who can kill the most that we find in our apartment. Sarah: 7 Ben: 4

- We're thinking about adopting from Russia, but I need to make some more phone calls. Ukraine would be nice but they're
making it difficult for people to adopt from there.

- My belly is still sore, but I think I'm doing quite well. I have yet to pick the scab from my belly button. I'm waiting to make sure it's completely healed in there. You're probably getting sick of hearing about it so I'll just let it be.

- I still need to post about aging and conducting my mole experiment.

A New Kind of Normal

Imagine going in for surgery thinking that when you came out, everything would be taken care of, and you could continue on with your life. You could put it behind you and look at it as yet another milestone in the growth of your journey. Then imagine waking up, thinking that it was taken care of. Now imagine talking with your doctor, and realizing that you had to adjust to a new kind of normal…This is my life.

It seemed so simple. Dr. Cham was going to remove my cyst, flush my tubes, and then maybe, just maybe, Ben and I would have a better chance at conceiving. There were no guarantees, and Dr. Cham wasn’t certain that the cyst was the cause of our infertility, but he did tell us that he would be able to tell us more after he operated.

Eight AM we arrived at the hospital. No one else was in the waiting room of the day surgery area, and yet we waited 15 minutes before they took me in to weigh me, check my blood pressure, and perform other routine procedures. The night before I had awoke to feel a peace about everything, and yet I still had a bit of the jitters about the surgery. I’ve never been put under before with anesthetic. In my obsession to follow all of the instructions they had sent me to prepare for this, I had even dreamed that I had arrived at the hospital subconsciously chewing on one of Ben’s homemade donuts, and when I got there I was spitting it out and in a panic because I wasn't supposed to eat right before surgery!

I was told that my surgery would take place around ten AM but that before that the anesthesiologist would come see me as well as my surgeon Dr. Cham. Ben and I had an hour and a half to kill. After coming out of the washroom in the classic Johnny shirt, housecoat, and blue “elf” felt slippers; Ben looked at me and said, “Hi beautiful.” Ladies, I found the secret: forget about make-up, hair, and jewelry. Go “au natural” with the classic Johnny shirt/housecoat blue elf slipper combo, and you’ll impress your man.

At first Ben decided he was going to play with the bed I was sitting on. He pumped it up, and then down, then up, then tilted…I finally managed to get him to stop after he nearly knocked the glove box off of the wall from pumping the bed too high. Keep in mind we were the only ones in this waiting room area with beds and curtains. He then offered to produce a glove puppet from one of the latex gloves, but I managed to restrain his mischief - although I’m sure it would’ve been comic relief. Instead, we played “I spy with my little eye.” This didn’t last very long because everything in the room was the same: every bed, every station by the beds…identical, which made it a rather boring rendition of “I spy.” Next ,we played rock, paper, scissors. I lost every time. I blame it on my nerves. After we read magazines. 10:00 came and by that time there was another woman going through what I had gone through at 8:00. I figured I wasn’t going to be operated on at 10:00 as no doctor had yet appeared. Did they forget about me? I was tired and hungry, not having been able to eat since the night before. Next thing I knew, Ben had turned the buzzer for nurses into some kind of submarine telescope that was beeping and peering around our corner of the room. Let’s just say that when people ask me about children, and I’m not in the mood to give the more serious/blunt answer about waiting on the Lord’s timing etc. etc., I say the more humorous, “Have you met my husband? Sometimes he’s all the kid that I need.”

Finally the anesthesiologist came and filled me in on the experience. Next came my doctor and surgeon, Dr. Cham. Then it was time. I found myself tearing up once the nurse came to take me away for surgery. I wanted Ben to be with me, but he couldn’t come to the operating room. He walked me so far and then it was a hug, kiss, and exchange of “I love yous.” Next I was shuffling down the hallway behind a nurse, feeling like I was five years old, carrying a pillow under my arm and wondering what the next few minutes would be like.

As the nurse tried to get me positioned on the table, I had to take off my housecoat. Well, we all know how wonderful Johnny shirts are. She put a blanket behind me to try and help me “modestly” get up on the table, but I did say to her, “You know, my mom said that to you doctors and nurses it would be just another bum.” The surrounding people had a little chuckle, and then as I lay down they put a nice warm blanket on top of me. Then an IV was placed in my arm. They talked to me about my job to try and keep me relaxed, and then they told me it was time for me to go to sleep. “Lord, please be with me,” were the last words that trailed in my mind before sleep came.

I woke up to incredibly sore shoulders and stomach. I was half out of it, and somehow the nurse managed to give me two Tylenol 3 pills at once. It’s beyond me how I swallowed them as when I’m fully alert I do well to swallow one pill at a time. Then she asked me if I wanted a Popsicle because it wasn’t good to have the Tylenol on an empty stomach. She listed off a bunch of flavors, and I opted for the classic 3-flavored Popsicle. As I lay there in my half drugged state happily slurping on my Popsicle, I exclaimed to the nurse, “It’s great to be alive!” Then in my mind (at least I think it was in my mind) I said to the Lord, “I love this popsicle. Lord, can I have more popsicles?” To which He happily replied, “Sarah, you can have as many popsicles as you like.” I was delighted and content, and I have no idea how in the world I finished that Popsicle without it getting on me because I was half out of it. When I tried to look around I got dizzy, so I think I drifted off after that. When I came to more of a conscious state I remember wondering when I could see Ben and thinking about how good Tim Horton’s chili would taste because I hadn’t eaten all day.

Finally they said they were taking me out to the room where the waiting began for final recovery. This time it was filled with people who had or were waiting for surgery. Ben was there, and I remember him holding my hand, kissing my forehead, and being so glad to see me. He had been worried when I hadn’t come out of surgery at the time they had predicted.

Dr. Cham arrived shortly thereafter to inform me about the surgery. The good news is that I don’t have ovarian cancer. This is rare in women my age, but he still checked things out inside of me. Then it came.

“I wasn’t able to remove your cyst.”

“You mean I still have my cyst?” I replied.

Dr. Cham couldn’t get to it because of the endometriosis around the cyst. He didn’t want to damage anything and thought it best that we discuss my options.

“The cyst is the least of my worries now,” he answered.

He did say that it was smaller than before, but he just couldn’t get to it. I can’t remember his exact wording, but it sounded like I have quite a tangled mess in there. My endometriosis is not severe (stage 4), but it is moderate (stage 3). Then came the next news:

“I wasn’t able to flush your left tube.”

The left tube is the one with the ovary that has the cyst on it. He was; however, able to flush the right tube. For now, we know I have one good ovary, but the endometriosis is growing around it too, so it makes me wonder if its days are numbered. He said to make an appointment and book an extra half hour because he really wants to fill us in on our options when I’m not drugged up. He has proven himself to be a wise surgeon and someone whom I believe the Lord has brought into our lives for this time.

As the news sunk in, I have to say that I wasn’t completely surprised. I had done some reading about endometriosis, and looking at problems that I’ve had not only with my monthly but also with my bowels, I began to realize that indeed – I am normal! I just have this medical condition that’s been wreaking havoc on my body for the last 10 years. You see, about 10 years ago is when I started to have problems, but instead of getting to the route of the problem, the doctors I had then said, “It’s hormonal changes. We’ll put you on the pill or some other medications.” I was too young and naïve to question and to probe further. It took not being able to have children to get to the route of the problem.

I teared up and thanked Dr. Cham for all that he had done. I told him that I had a peace about everything, and that Ben and I have discussed adoption. This is not to say that I can’t get pregnant. I know of women who have gotten pregnant with endometriosis. It’s just harder to get pregnant. I know of women who eventually have had to have hysterectomies, and those are extreme cases. The bottom line is that now that I know what I have I can educate myself, talk to my doctor, and go from there. I intend on taking the most natural route possible, and if it means completely changing my diet, I’ll do it. I’m not into drugs. I think I would like to have the endometriosis surgically removed even if it can grow back, but then take natural steps to taking care of myself. Knowledge is power. So it’s going to take some research on my part and a lengthy discussion with my doctor to come up with the best solution – along with wisdom from my Heavenly Father!

And so that’s where I am. I still have my cyst, but I know what it’s from: moderate endometriosis. I have one good tube, but knowing that my mother had all three of her children on one good tube gives me hope. I have the peace in knowing that if God wants me to conceive He will allow me too, but also the freedom in continuing on in the adoption process knowing that one way or another, He will enable me to be a mom. I have a ministry. In my openness God has brought people into my life that have been able to relate or who are working through the process of possible infertility. I have been entrusted with this – whether it be for a time or for my life, and you know what? I’m okay. It’s okay if I can’t conceive. You can hope it for me and pray it for me – as I still do so myself, but ultimately the Lord will have His way, and His way will be the best way for me. I have to admit, in my state of sadness in the hospital I apologized to my husband as the reality that fertility was harder to grasp was on my mind, but he wouldn’t have it. He loves me – body issues and all, and he is actually excited about adopting – what a blessing! On the way home, my heart ached. I so desperately want to be a mom. But my journey is not in vain. It’s been given to me to make me stronger.

How could I ever question God? The same God who opened the womb of Sarah in the Old Testament, the same God who parted the red sea, the same God who healed the lame, is the same God who is in my life today. He will not give me more than I can bear.

As for my belly button, I think it’s going to be okay. It has some dry crusty blood in it and is bandaged up, but I think it’s going to make it.

Your prayers and encouragement have been amazing. I have been overwhelmed between posts, e-mails, and phone calls…thank you for being a support. I believe that it was your prayers that gave me the extra strength and grace I needed to accept the reality of my situation. Ben and I are grateful for your love and support. As we adjust to this new kind of normal, we will continue to place our trust in the Lord. I arrived home yesterday to a gift and lovely note from my sister, a beautiful bouquet from my in-laws, phone calls from family, and notes of encouragement on-line. I am writing to you from my bed - laptops are a wonderful invention. I am physically sore but emotionally healthy. I’m hoping that I’ll be up and running next week as I can’t stand laying around too long, but I do know that I need to take it easy these next few days. Ben continues to be an amazing husband and help to me.

For more information on endometriosis, you can check out this site: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/endometriosis/DS00289/DSECTION=1

Quick Update

- I will be having laproscopic surgery on Tuesday at 8:00 AM. Dr. Cham will be removing a cyst on one of my ovaries providing all goes as planned. The cyst is at least 3 cm by 5 cm. He's hoping to remove it without removing the ovary, but he won't know until the surgery takes place. This is day surgery in Fredericton, and Ben and I would greatly appreciate your prayers.

- We've had a few doors close this week concerning where we'll end up. There's one that is potentially opening and of course rumors of other possibilities. I have to admit that I'm tired of the rumors and false hopes. If anything it is reminding me to stop trying so hard at thinking about where we'll end up and just trust the Lord to bring the right opportunity to us at the right time. I find I can be so impatient sometimes because I like to know what is going on, and then the Lord has to remind me to give up "control" and let Him be Lord in my life.

- I've had a productive few days packing away winter decorations (snowmen etc.) and organizing some other totes for the move. I must admit that the thought of packing up seems overwhelming at times, so I'm trying to break it up and do a little at a time (especially since I work full time until close to the end of June and we'll have to move before Beulah). Of course I'm labeling everything too. Yes, I do like to be organized.

- I've really appreciated some of the chats and encouragement I've received from different friends in person, through e-mails, and over the phone. Whether it's about surgery or about mine and Ben's current circumstances with where we're supposed to be, many of you have been a blessing in our lives.

Humorous Concerns

I've been paying a lot of attention to my belly button lately. This may sound strange, but I've always liked my belly button. I've never been one to show it off by wearing belly shirts or bikinis. No. My belly button has lived a pretty solitary life. It's a good belly button. A happy belly button. A friendly belly button. Two weeks from today, it will probably be a sore belly button. You see, I have surgery on March 25. Apart from gum surgery and wisdom teeth surgery, I've never had surgery before. I was also awake for those procedures - something of which I am quite proud of. I've never been "put out" for surgery before - that is until two weeks from today. While I am in "dreamland," a probe is going to be placed down through my belly button so that they can see what life is like inside Sarah's pelvic area. War will be declared on a cyst that has been growing silently for quite some time. So I keep wondering...will my belly button be the same again? Or will it become stretched? My husband's belly button is a crevice - a chasm in which lint nestles away from the movement of his shirts. When he wears sweaters, the lint hops off and finds safety in this hollow place. Will my belly button become like that? Will it ever recover? While some women would be worried about the scars from incisions - those of which I will have too, here I am, wondering about my belly button.

So in amidst my worries about surgery, my husband's job search, and where in the world we'll be in 4 months, I'm pondering on my belly button, and thankful that the Lord has given me a sense of humour.

Other humorous health concerns of which I may make notes on:
"The mole:" Can it really be removed with a special kind of vinegar? An experiement you won't want to miss.

"You Know You're Getting Old When...:" 27 may be considered young, but I'm changing with each passing year and noticing the things that come with it.

A Test of My Faith

I wonder how Sarah felt - when Abraham came to her and told her that the Lord had spoken to him and told him that it was time to leave his native country to go to a place he had never seen before - I wonder what went through her mind. Was she afraid? Did she cry? It was their homeland, so she must have had relatives nearby. Having had no children of her own at the time, she must have had nieces and nephews that she spent time with. Was she worried? After they decided to pack up and leave, I wonder if she ever second guessed herself or the direction Abraham knew he had to take. Scripture doesn’t really tell us how Sarah felt, but I have thought about her a lot these past few weeks in particular. For a few months now Ben and I have been praying specifically about whether or not we were to stay at the Wesleyan church here in Perth-Andover for yet another year. Ben has been restless for quite some time. Last year I thought we were going to resign as Ben was very adamant about it, but then the Lord made it very clear that we were to stay. This year things were different. I’m not saying that we’re necessarily leaving our homeland to go to a place we’ve never seen as was the case with Abraham and Sarah, but I am saying that we could end up anywhere. We’re considering all possibilities – looking into churches further away while hoping churches in our district will open up and at the same time praying about missions and if that is a step we are to take. Ben is looking for something fairly specific. He’s ready to be stretched in other areas of ministry, while all this time he and I are being stretched in our faith.

I’ve done a lot of praying and reflecting. I’ve had my angry fit with God and then realized how foolish it was. I’ve cried. I’ve been anxious. I’ve worried. Time and again God has revealed himself to me. “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7). I’ve claimed that verse on my knees.

For the past 5 years I have been blessed to live so close to my family. Who would have ever thought that the Lord would enable my husband to work with my brother-in-law? I’ve enjoyed living near my sister and her beautiful girls. I’ve watched my nieces grow. I’ve furthered my education. I’ve found full time work. I’ve made a lot of friends. I’ve matured as a minister’s wife and grown in knowing what it means to serve as one. Now I have no idea what is happening. Everything before was so certain and now it’s so…not. At least when I think logically it’s not. I mean, a logical thinker would say, “Are you out of your mind? Look at the job you have? Look at the financial security you two have there? He shouldn’t resign unless he has another place to go.” And trust me, there are logical thinkers in my life who have either voiced that opinion or whom I know have thought it. Sometimes I look at my husband and say, “Are we crazy? We’re crazy. This is crazy.” He just chuckles at me and reminds me of the Lord’s faithfulness. He has no doubts about the decision. Although I am wrestling with my emotions, I back him 100%. One time while battling out on my knees it was as though God said, “Do you trust me? Do you trust your husband?” As the spiritual leader of my home, Ben is ready to step out into the unknown and trust that the right doors will open, and I am ready to go with him – wherever that may lead us. One time in the midst of my tears Ben offered to “settle” saying, “Well, I could just work somewhere so you could keep your job.” Then how unsettled he would be! “No Ben, you are meant for full time ministry in the church, and I am meant to serve there with you. I would not be happy if you were not working in a church or mission setting.” As much as the spiritual growing pains hurt, I am still praising God as I know I will be refined in my faith – weak as it may be at the moment.

I guess there’s still hope that I might get to continue working around here, but it’s a small hope. The Lord has truly blessed me here, and I just have to trust that wherever He leads, He will bless me there too. As I said to Ben, “Everywhere we go there will be a school. Children need an education. The Lord opened the doors here for me for a reason, and He will do the same elsewhere according to His plan.”

“ ‘My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts’, says the LORD. ‘And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine’” (Isaiah 55:8). How true that verse is! I have no idea what He has in store for us! The Lord has proven himself faithful to me in times past, and I know He will continue to do so in the times to come.

My Poor Neglected Blog...

Okay, I'll be the first to admit that I've neglected my blogging duties and given in to the the world of quick posts on facebook walls. Alas, after a reminder from a friend, through facebook of course, I thought I'd better update my blog and see if anyone actually still reads it.

This year I am working under full contract for the School District, and I am absolutely loving it! I am a Literacy mentor, which means that I have the privilege of working with small groups of children and assisting them with their reading and writing. I am a K-8 mentor which involves working at a few other schools, but most of the time I am at the elementary school where I taught 5th grade last year. I am so blessed! God has also given me the ability to write an ILF (Innovative Learning Fund)grant which has been accepted. He used my friend Carol Jarvis, whom I work with, to encourage me and work with me in this endeavour. I would tell you all that I will be receiving as a result of it, but that would be boasting in myself. If you really want to know you can ask me, but I really have to direct the praise to God. Let's just say, it involves Smart Boards and some other technology of which I am really excited! It feels good to give back to a school and a District that has been so good to me.

Ben and I have started looking into adoption. This is not to say that we will never be able to conceive children, but with all the tests and such that I am undergoing, it is to say that we see it as a part of a process. Some developments have been made with regards to my health (oh the stories I could tell!), but at this time I feel they are too personal to get into - at least on-line. Should you see me in person and want to know I will gladly share it with you. I have an incredible peace. There is freedom in surrendering what I want for what God wants. The more I share, the more I realize that there are many other women out there like me who are working through the same things. With all the pregnancies I keep hearing about, there is yet another silent woman out there trying to work through the frustration of not being able to conceive. I am still hoping for a child of my own bloodline, but I am excited about the possibility of adoption as well. It will not be an easy process. Just this evening I looked over the sheet with some questions I have to answer about what I would accept in a child (family history, etc.). These are things that most people don't have to think about when they're having biological children of their own. Ben and I are going to tackle this carefully and prayerfully over the weekend.

Ah yes, the weekend. Charisma, my adorable niece, is turning 4 years old and there's going to be a party at her house. She's as hilarious as ever. Sheridan, is now 6, and just the other day her teacher told me that she had 3 boys fighting over who was going to marry her! Aparently there is a 4th one who was home sick!!! LOL! As Sheridan's teacher said, "Sheridan is friends with everyone. She loves everybody." I joked and told her teacher, "You better watch out for those preacher's daughters!" Needless to say, someday I'll be sharing that story at her wedding. Arianna is talking more and is cute as a button. She'll be 2 in March. Finally, baby #4 from my sister is going to arrive in May. Will it be a boy? The odds are against them, but only time will tell. Brent, my brother, and his wife Amanda, have a son named Owen now, and he also is stealing my heart. I have so much love for these kids I can only imagine what it will be like to have a child of my own someday.

Currently I am reading "Eldest" by Christopher Paolini and I am thoroughly enjoying it. When I'm not working or visiting with family/friends, I'm reading this book and watching Jane Austin movies or other chick flicks. It's nice to get wrapped up in someone else's life even if only for a few hours!

I am playing piano more at church and it's wonderful. Ben is coming along in his guitar playing, and I'm so proud of him.

Should this post seem to sappy or happy, it is not to say that my life is a bed of roses. There are some things that I am currently praying through, but because I've been consistently laying things at the Lord's feet, He is giving me joy through my difficult circumstances. I really am a content woman.

"Love of Reading" - My Favorite Commercial

Back to the Routine...

To say that Ben and I had the best vacation of our lives in Prague, Czech Republic, is an understatement. We had the time of our lives. My absolute favorite had to have been the Charles Bridge, but I also enjoyed Old Town and the Castle. Photos uploaded soon will help give you some of an idea of how it was, but it really is hard to put into words what a great time we had. The first few days I had blisters on my toes and my legs were severely sore from walking on the uneven cobblestone, but the pain didn't keep me from walking each day. We even met a couple from Toronto, Ontario, and travelled with them outside of Prague for a day to go see the Bone Church in Kutna Hora. Part way through out vacation in Prague, a family from our church - the Sherrards who were also going to Ukraine, arrived and we spent some time with them. It's amazing how you can be in a church for 4 years and not really know someone until you get to share a neat experience with them. We really bonded with that family, and we're grateful that the Lord enabled us to do so.

Odessa, Ukraine was a completely different but equally rewarding experience. Once again, it's hard to put everything into words. I'd just have to say that I wasn't as sad when I said my good-byes, because I know that I'll be going back again someday - whether it be on another short term trip or long term, only the Lord knows, but Ben and I definitely want to go back. Our missions team not only worked at Hope House doing construction, but we connected with the children there, interacted with street kids from First Step, and spent time with the young ladies of Shepherd's home. Our team was challenged in a variety of ways. When I finally post some pictures I will go into more detail and explain some of what we experienced.

Now I am trying to get into a routine with my new job. I don't have my own classroom this year as I am a Literacy teacher. I am definitely just as busy as before, but in a different way. I really enjoy working with small groups of children. This position definitely has its challenges. Not only am I the youngest Literacy teacher on the district, I am the least experienced. I remember looking around the room at the other Literacy teachers on the district and thinking, "Lord? What am I doing here? Remind me how I got this position again?" I figure God has a reason for me being in the position I am in. I absolutely love it thus far, but when I think of the task that is laid out before me, sometimes I feel small and inadequate. I know God will give me the strength to do the work that He has placed me in.

I am currently battling a cold, and I just got over the flu. You can imagine how frustrated I was to have to take a day off of school this early in the year because of the stomach flu, only to return to school to know that discussion in the staff room the day before was, "Maybe she's pregnant." The first two people I saw when I walked to my office that day mentioned it to me in a joking manner. I'm tired of the jokes folks. I know you mean well, but it's been two years, and so, as politely as I can, I tell people that Ben and I have wanted children for two years but it hasn't happened, and so we are trusting the Lord and His timing, but we also have plans to look into adoption. When they say, "Maybe you're thinking about it too much," I want to say, "I wouldn't have to think about it if I wasn't reminded by people who ask me about it, joke to me about it, or try to give me unwanted advice about it," but instead I politely say, "I've made my peace with the Lord." And I have. In the meantime, it's the comments that I continually have to hand over to Him, because I've accepted the possibility that I could be barren. Just last week someone (not from work) said to me, "You need to suck in that belly unless you have a reason to let it hang out like that!" I just said, "No. I'm just fat, that's all." They gave me a side hug as they were teasing me, but was it really necessary? As for my "belly" you'll see pictures of me and wonder what in the world they were taking about. Perhaps it's my open personality that makes me so prone to such things. I really don't know. But I do know that the Lord has a child for me, and if that child be on the other side of the world, He will lead me to that child.

I really am a blessed person. This past summer reminded me of how blessed I truly am. I look forward to seeing what the Lord has in store for me in the days to come.

Summer Happenings.

This is just a quick update. I haven't been able to keep up with everyone's blogs partly because I've been away and partly because Ben and I don't have internet at home for the summer because we've been away a lot.

Summer has been flying by - I've been to Beulah, Grand Manan, Sussex, and Boston. While at Beulah I had the joy of hearing about my 3 year old niece's dream in which giants were trying to get her, so she called on Jesus and He saved her from them. I love that childlike faith. Baby Owen (my brother and sister-in-law's baby) finally made an appearance and he is so precious! My brother is such an excited daddy and fascinated with his new little blessing. I will be posting pictures soon. Please keep baby Owen in your prayers as he does have to have a brace put on him for at least six weeks due to his hip and legs. A week from today Ben and I will be on a plane to Prague for a weeks vacation and then we'll meet up with our team for Ukraine. It hasn't really sunk in yet that we're going. I'm a little nervous about the flight although I've been on planes many a time before. Should Ben and I cross your minds during the month of August please say a prayer for us. We won't be home until August 26. It's been neat how the Lord has been providing for our trip. Just this week a new couple that moved to our area and is attending our church donated some money for us.

We received our first letter from a child we're sponsering in Africa. It was so exciting! I love writing letters "the old fashioned way." If you knew me and wrote to me during my teenage years you would've received many a decorated envelope.

I've started the final Harry Potter book (finally!) and intend on finishing it before I leave for Prague.

I've been running into a lot of good friends throughout the summer. It's great. Thus far I've been living it up and just being free with life.

I apologize for the short and vague post, but I assure you that once I return from my trip, I'll be able to fill you in on some more happenings.

Gratitude

I think it's finally settling in. The fact that I've been offered a job as a Literacy Specialist for the District. The fact that it's a "B" contract which guarantees me work every year in this area. The fact that I'll get to work with small groups of elementary students, middle school students, and work with challenging teachers. Yes, the Lord has provided for me. I never dreamed I would be offered this honorable position. I feel inadequate, nervous, and very excited all at once. My heart is filled with gratitude for what the Lord has done in my life in such a short time.

I also have a heart of gratitude for the husband God has provided for me. June 21st marked 4 years for us and due to my job I had to work for 1/2 the day. Then we went to a high school graduation in the afternoon and a staff party in the evening. Now I sit here burning CDs with pictures, video, and other things that I put together for my students with my husband's help. It's funny. Before I worked full time, and even still sometimes, I feel like I'm married to the church. I'm beginning to realize though, that he must feel like he's married to the school. I'm driven to do well with my job just as he is driven to do well with his. This week there have been a lot of things to work on - getting the classroom cleaned, paperwork...and so I've been burning the midnight oil while he has gone to bed. Last week it was just the opposite. He was burning the midnight oil working on stuff for church while I went to bed. It isn't always like this. We do make time for each other, and typically we go to bed at the same time. I am; however, looking forward to summer...Prague is really our anniversary gift and Ukraine, our first missions trip together, will be the icing on the cake. I am so grateful for Ben's love, support, and encouragement. He and I are so fitted for each other.

Finally, I would like to express gratitude for the kinds words people have given me concerning having children. I didn't take time to thank you all before, but please allow me to do so now. Thank you for listening. I think I'm beginning to understand now...why I'm not yet a mom.

And so I sit here with a heart full of gratitude, pondering life and what's happening in it, anxiously awaiting the freedom of summer, and looking forward to what is in store for Ben and me in the Ukraine.

This week...

This week...

I've been told by a student, "I want out of this "s...hole" as he stormed out of my classroom. Never before has he talked to me this way.

I've been backtalked to.

I've had a student rip up assignments at least once a day.

I've had the same student disobey me, run off down the hallway, slam her desk on the floor, test me, try me...

I've had extra pressure because of Provincial Assessments. Three times my classroom was interupted by adults who should have known better despite a "Provincial Testing. Please do not interupt sign."

I've cried...but not in front of my class.

This week...

I've spent time with God in the mornings before I've gone to work.

I've tried to be more disciplined with my time.

I've chuckled with my nieces at church.

I've spent time with church friends.

I've spent time preparing for our VBS in the warm company of some church family, my sister, and my husband.

I've received unexpected "pick-me-ups" from friends.

I've had some students hug me.

I've been told, "You're the best Mrs. Canney."

I've been encouraged by some of the students' parents.

I've realized the fragility of the students who have tried to test me, and I've realized the urge to pray for the sake of their future.

I've savoured my walks in the school hallways in the stillness of the mornings.

I've laughed with my colleagues.

I've laughed with my class.


The positives outweigh the negatives.

Missions Trip Letter

Ben and I are sending out support letters informing some family and friends of our trip. Should any of you want to support us whether it be through prayer or financially, I just thought I'd post this on-line. I'll be blogging in a more personal format as the trip approaches.

May 2007

Dear friends,

We hope that this letter finds you and your family well and that you are experiencing God’s blessing on your life.

We are writing to share with you about an exciting opportunity that we have to serve Christ in Odessa, Ukraine. From August 14-25 of this year, we will have the privilege of being a part of a World Hope International mission’s team. Our team will be involved in a variety of ministries that will include working with children who come to the First Step Centre (a centre that helps support street children) and doing construction at Hope House (a place that provides housing for street children.) The ladies on the team will also be taking supplies to teach young girls how to make cards and other things which can provide a small income for them. We will be working with missionaries Kerry and Carole Allison.

We are very excited about this ministry, but we need your help to do it! First of all, we need your prayers. Without prayer nothing spiritual can happen. Secondly, we need to raise close to $6000 to cover the cost for both of us. We have already raised some of the required $6000 through fund-raising and covered some of the necessary expenses needed with our own income. Please ask God if He wants you to give in support of this ministry. Your contribution would be tax deductible and receipts would be issued. Checks should be made to World Hope and sent to: World Hope Canada, PO Box 8115, Station A, Halifax, NS, B3K 5L8 for those wanting Canadian tax receipts. For US donor’s checks should be sent to Horizons Foundation (who have partnered with World Hope in helping the children in Ukraine), P.O. Box 6022, St. Charles, MO 63302. In the memo section of your check write Ukraine Missions Team. A note accompanying your check can identify that it is to apply to Ben and Sarah Canney’s mission trip costs, but this information should not be on the check itself.

Thank you so much for taking time to read this letter. Please know that the money is not as important to us as your prayers are. This will be our first mission’s trip together, and we both believe that the Lord will use it to impact our lives in a significant way. We know that God will provide a way for us to go as he has laid this opon our hearts. It is your prayers and encouragement that will strengthen us in this ministry opportunity.

God Bless,


Ben and Sarah

World Hope’s Commitment to Financial Accountability:
Spending of donated funds is confined to Board approved programs and projects. Contributions designated towards a project or a volunteer missionary’s support will be used as designated, with the understanding that when the need has been met, or cannot be completed for any reason determined by the Board, the remaining contributions will be used by World Hope for other relief efforts where most needed.

Alone with my Laptop

Somebody must have been praying for me today. As I sat in the midst of a meeting concerning a student who had a major blow out with behaviour last week, I was asked, "Sarah, what are you willing to do concerning this student?" You must understand that after Wednesday of last week, I was struggling with feelings toward this student. I am not at liberty to say everything that happened, but let's just say that I had to lock my classroom door. One thing I can recount is that student snarkily saying, "I hate you Mrs. Canney!" to which I responded, "I love you too!" at this the students found great amusement. I have never been one to hold a grudge, and so as I sat there in today's meeting, the Lord reminded me of my love for this student - one of my own kids who I've invested in this year. I responded to that question,"what are you willing to do...?" with "Whatever it takes." I will do whatever it takes to help this student. I refuse to give up or give in, or say this student is a lost cause. Teaching isn't about me, it's about those kids. Those kids who may get more time with me than with their parents. Those kids who love being at school because it feels safer than home. Those kids who the only hug they may receive that day could be from me. Let's face it. The majority of kids in the system today come from broken families and with that comes a lot of baggage. I know someone was praying for me, because the rest of the day I had an incredible peace. Tuesdays are often hectic for me because I'm on duty, but I was at peace, so I was fine. Tomorrow I have a meeting that will involve administration, the parents and the student. I'm a bit nervous, but I know the Lord will be my strength and my song.

I survived Mother's Day :) I knew I would. I only had one comment about, "Sarah's not on stage. Could that mean she's expecting?" because we had an all men's praise team with the exception of a young lady home from college who led the worship. The comment was a joking one, and I was able to handle it. I managed to hold myself together when all of the mother's stood and I sat. Apart from that I had a woman who was once in my position give me a hug and share some tender words of encouragement. The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me. And so I write this not as a "woe is me this is my sob story" but as a praise to the Lord for the work He is doing in me. Some teaching positions have been posted for the fall already, and I am looking into applying for them. I have contemplated getting my Masters, but I really don't know if that's what I'm to do at this time. And so I will pray and wait. My loan will be paid off this week and I have to praise God for his provision and blessing. Weeks like this when I'm overwhelmed with marking that I'm behind on and extra meetings, can be trying, but I know someone is praying for me. I know there are those who pray for me regularly, but God must have really impressed me on someone's mind today. I don't know who, but I can feel it in my heart because of how my day went.

And so I sit here at home alone while my husband is at youth, wishing I could be with him but working away - scanning children's pictures for their fairytale stories that will be published on the computer, lesson planning, marking speeches, contemplating tomorrow's meeting as to what I need to say and just thinking about my life in general - thankful for the prayers of someone who knew that I needed some extra help today to carry me through the week.

The Four M's - Missions Trip, Mother's Day, Me, and May

Missions Trip - Remember how excited I was about the lay-over in Vienna for our missions trip to Ukraine? "Ben and I are going to visit Rome," I've been telling people in such a delighted voice. Well, today, Ben informed me that the lay-over is now in Warsaw, Poland. LOL. I'm sorry, but what sounds more alluring to you - Vienna or Warsaw? "Yeah, I'm going to Warsaw for a week." I have been looking online though and it looks like there are some pretty sights there; however, it will take me a bit to get over my disappointment!

Mother's Day - Four years ago I thought I'd be a mom by now, but I'm not. So once again I'll remain seated while the mother's proudly stand and receive their carnations. (It's not the carnations I'm disappointed about - LOL) I wonder how many people will joke about me being pregnant this Sunday? If I sound bitter, I'm not...Let's just say that the "When are you going to have children?" "That baby looks good on you." "You guys need a baby." comments are starting to frustrate me. If only people knew...I don't need you to ask me how long we've wanted to have children, to try and relate, or to recommend some book to me. I don't need your sympathy either. I just need some respect and understanding. I'm at peace with God, and I know that HIS timing is everything. Had I been a mom, I would've missed out on my 24 kids at school this year whom I've become very attached to. I also wouldn't be going to the Ukraine, and I know that the Lord wants me there this summer. He has something to show me, to teach me, to shape me. He's working on me right now, making me the person who I need to be, and equipping me with the tools I need for when I do become a mom - because I will be someday.

Me - Life is crazy right now - There's something going on every weekend. One of my colleagues said to me, "Sarah, you have two full-time jobs - your teaching and your role as a pastor's wife." I'm realizing more and more how true that is. I love my husband and my life. I am looking forward to summer vacation, but I do have concerns about my class and how some of them will adjust to middle school next year. Will they become children that I don't recognize? Will they remember the pep talks I've had with them? I hope they realize just how proud I am of them. I'm already thinking about writing them little notes of encouragement for the end of the year.

May - May is a crazy month. I literally have something I have to be at every weekend. I am excited about these events of course, but June is looking like a delightful time to "slow down" (yeah, like that's possible for me!)

Certainties and Uncertainties

Sitting in a booth at the Big Stop after a long day at work, my husband Ben and I sit facing each other waiting for an order of soup and chicken nachos. He can hardly wait to tell me his exciting news. I wait, bracing myself for what he will say. You see, Ben is a dreamer and a thrill seeker. I, on the other hand, am not. Yes, I can dream, but my dreams are more, shall we say, realistic? As for “thrills,” the type of thrills I derive are from a trip to the mall, a walk to get ice cream, or a day at the beach. The “thrill” type experiences that Ben enjoys involve heights, heights, and heights. I have tried rock wall climbing and have overcome my fear of heights because of Ben. I have yet to repel down a cliff, but he and his friend Tim are bound and determined to get me there.

Ben proceeded to tell me that he is going to become a certified scuba diver thanks to a man who goes to the Baptist church offering him a deal he can't refuse. So my husband is not only going to repel off of cliffs, he’s going to swim under water with the fish. Now his thrills involve heights and depths. I, on the other hand, will continue to be the observer, although I must admit that I think I’ll find the scuba gear more amusing than then the climbing gear.

After his exciting news I preceded to tell him about my uncertainties with a job for the fall. I’ve been fortunate to have a year contract, but with teachers who have better contracts returning from maternity leave and such, it’s hard to know whether or not I’ll have full time work. I love being a teacher. I take great pride in investing myself in children. I’ve become very attached to my group of 24 this year. Like he usually does, Ben just looked at me and loved me saying, “You need to put everything in God’s hands. Look at how He’s provided for us this year.” And God has. Ben’s loan was paid off at the end of 2006. Mine will be paid off in June of this year along with the car. After one year of teaching we will be debt free. That’s something only the Lord could do because He enabled me to receive a job in September after I just received my BEd. So why should I worry about tomorrow? Why should I be so anxious after all He has done for me? He knows what the future holds. He knows whether or not I should have full time work teaching in the Fall, and if not, then He knows that there are students who I need to be in contact with while substitute teaching.

And so, while I learn to wait on the Lord, I’ll enjoy the amusement He sends my way through my 24 (or should I say 25…Ben??) kids.

A Sobering Day

It was a bitter cold wind. Tired I stood clutching the hand of my husband and wiping back tears as the military soldiers took the casket out of the hearse and lifted it onto their shoulders. Step by step, they gently carried it to its final resting place. As the wind whipped my hair and tousled my skirt, I remember thinking that it wasn’t so bad standing in that wind. I was alive. I am alive. Silence. Nobody said a word. We just stood and watched. From a distance I could see the casket over the crowd of people, and then it was lowered. Amazing grace played by the bagpipes. More silence, but I knew from afar the last words were being said as a soldier was being laid to rest. Taps played on the bugle. Silence. Gun solutes.

I never knew Cpl. Aaron E. Williams personally. I know his mom. She works as a Teacher’s Aid at my school, and she is one of the most delightfully people you could meet. She wore red every Friday – even around St. Patrick’s Day. “I’m supporting my boy,” she said proudly. He was her youngest. Her only son among four children. Cpl. William’s dad is a bus driver for our community schools.

23 years old. Prior to standing outside in the cold I sat through a memorable service for a man whom I would have liked to have met. He was to be married in October to his high school sweetheart. As his parents and fiancé walked by me at the beginning of the service, Cpl. William’s 2 ½ year old blond haired little angel was hanging on to her grampy’s neck. Does she understand? How do you tell a 2 ½ year old girl that daddy isn’t going to be home again? Who’s going to teach her how to ride a bike? Who will protect her from those sneaky teenage boys? Who will give her away when she is to be married?

My trials seem so small when I think about that 2 ½ year old little girl. I still have my dad, my mom, my whole family. I know I will wonder about her for the rest of my life, and in turn remember her father, the man whom she could’ve known, but didn’t get to know.

He didn’t have to go to Afghanistan. He volunteered to go. I am thankful for him and the others who have given their lives to fight for freedom and a better world. As I sit in my warm cushy apartment praying for a better world, men and women are out there risking their lives trying to make it a better one.

I was reminded today that life is short. Live each day to the fullest.

Teacher Anxiety Dreams and My New Student

Well, last night I had what I refer to as "Teacher Anxiety Dreams." In my first dream, my new student showed up at school as a grown man, taller than me, and I was standing there wondering, "How in the world am I going to handle this one?" In my second dream, my new student came in and he wanted to teach the class. I let him do so and things got out of hand, so I had to try and regain control of the class to which he replied, "This is going to be booooooooooring."

I walked into my class today to find a short 9 year old boy with glasses, and I immediately knew that my anxiety dreams were (as usual) just that - foolish worry over nothing. He is highly intelligent as they told me, and he is as cute as a button. Despite his immaturity during class (not staying on task while working independently in math - stretching and the like, and trying to keep his nose stuck in a book - he's reading at grade 11 level if not highter), I can't help but like the kid and his silly mannerisms. I think the class gets a kick out of him too. He dropped his pencil and it broke somehow to which he exlaimed, "OH NO! My pencil fell apart!" My favorite was when I asked him if his last name was spelled correctly off the top of my head for information on the computer and he said, "Whoa! How were you able to spell my last name so fast?" In some ways his overenthusiasm reminds me of myself at times - of course - I am just getting to know the kid, so as the days go by I'll have a better idea of what I'm in for, but I think I'm in for a treat.

A Few Happenings in My Life...

Well I found out that UMPI is now offering a Masters program. It sounds like it will be a flexible one (after school hours) for those who teach full time. This might be something I possibly pursue depending on some other things that I've been waiting on the Lord for, so I guess in prayer, time will certainly tell.

I had a tough day today at school. Yesterday was parent-teacher which made for a long day - of course the parents that I wanted to see didn't show up. My day ended with me finding out that I'll be receiving a new student - but he's supposed to be in fourth grade. It's a long story - one which I don't want to recount right now. New students make me nervous - especially at this point in the year - I really like my classroom dynamics - and one student can change everything. I'm told he's highly intelligent but very busy...Hmm...Perhaps I'll keep you posted.

My piano is now tuned - Hip! Hip! HOORAY! I haven't had it tuned since we moved in here four years ago - I've been holding out hoping that we'd find a bigger place - shame on me. The Lord has taught me how to be content with my little abode, and so it was time for a tuning (on my piano that is). Dan the piano man did a good job as always.

I just got off the phone with a friend about a prayer request. My heart's a bit heavy.

I'm going to get ready for bed because it's been a very long day.

My Celebrity Look-alikes

My cool celebrity look-alike collage from MyHeritage.com. Get one for yourself.

5 Things

1. I'm officially hooked on Facebook. I love it! I'm still trying to convince Ben to join.
2. I tried out the celebrity look-a-likes thing after reading Mark and Liz's blogs. Believe it or not, Kayne West was one of my so called look alikes, but I opted to post the women look alikes instead.
3. I have math and spelling tests to mark, but I'm procrastinating (shame shame)
4. I love eating Big Turks.
5. Only 3 months left of school before summer vacation - woo hoo! I love my students, but I'm ready for a break.