Dreaming...

So I've been dreaming a lot lately about some things that I had stopped dreaming about - particularly things that relate to children. When you're in my position, you have a tendency to put up certain "safe guards" as a means of protecting yourself from hurt. You learn to let go. A few key moments in my infertility journey of letting go: packing away maternity clothes and putting away things purchased for the baby's room. I knew that I would still be a mom someday, but I couldn't see how or when it would happen, and so, instead of painfully looking at those things, I felt it was best to hide them away so that I could move on with what my life currently was.

With the adoption process progressing slowly but surely, I've actually started dreaming about my baby's room again...Only this time, it's different from what I was dreaming about the first time around. Instead of traditional light blue and yellow quilts, I'm thinking about giraffes, elephants, and zebras. That's a clue as to where we feel the Lord is leading us to adopt from. More details will be posted soon, but let's just say I did a lot of researching agencies, countries, etc. etc. and Ethiopia ended up being the country of choice for us. I've found Ethiopian children's books, music, an Ethiopian alphabet...things to help promote a sense of culture for our baby - I'm having a blast learning about Ethiopia. You know we even sponsor a child in Ethiopia and I'm dreaming about visiting him. When we chose him a few years back I distinctly remember saying to Ben, "Oh he's so cute! It's too bad we'll never get to meet him. It's not like we'll be going to Africa someday."

The other day I was scolding myself for opening up this part of my heart again...for having "fun" thinking about the possibilities. I thought to myself, "Sarah, why are you doing this to yourself? You're only setting yourself up for disappointment again..." Then, during a time of prayer, it was as if the Lord said to me, "Sarah, do you think I would intentionally hurt you?" It's like He was trying to tell me that it was okay to have fun with my "paper pregnancy." Yet I'm still working through my trust issues with the Lord and hoping that I'm not doing all of this stuff because it fits "my will." Time and time again he proves himself. Last week when I asked him, "Is this really where you want us to go? Is this really what you want us to do?" he provided $750 from unexpected sources - people whom he'd spoken to about us. There have been other things, and yet, I still question and doubt. My faith is so weak! It's a constant battle in the mind for me. So I'm trying to dream a little and let go of my fears of something happening to take away my joy.

Trust issues indeed...with a change in career ahead and no job on the horizon as of yet, an upcoming home study in which finances will be looked at, and other things that have been nabbing at my attention over the past few months, I've been stretched in many ways. Yes, you heard correctly - a change in career. I'm going back into teaching. It is a passion that the Lord has given me. I know I was suppose to contribute to the college for this past year, but now it's time to get back into the classroom. If I have to substitute teach I will, but I can't help but hope that the Lord has a full time position for me. After many tears, much prayer, and seeking wise counsel, I knew I had to return to teaching, and I had an immediate peace once the decision was made.

It has been a hard year for me. I've had to work through a great many things, but as cliche as it sounds, the Lord has proved Himself faithful. Some days I am afraid of all the unknowns, and I play the "If _____ then_____" game, but then I have to remind myself that no matter what, the Lord will be there for me. Although it has been painful and there is more waiting ahead, I am grateful, and I will try to continue dreaming in hopes that I can let go of my fears in preparation for a little one that God has for us.