Looking Forward to a NEW year...

Imagine finding out you (or your spouse) were pregnant and then being told that you needed to fill out some paperwork to ensure you were capable of looking after your child. In the paperwork you would have to give a detailed description of your immediate family - their education, their jobs, etc. along with that information for your spouse. You also had to give a detailed account of your education and work related background. Then you had to list why you wanted to have this baby and how long you had been trying to conceive the child. After sending in your paperwork, you were told you needed more things: letters of reference, medical reports for you and your spouse, original birth certificates, original marriage certificate, criminal record check, finger prints..etc. After the paper work was in order, you were told that a social worker would meet with you, and you would be assisted with the pregnancy process. Home visits would be scheduled. Interviews would be set up. How would you feel?

Well, I'm not pregnant, and quite frankly I would never wish that sort of experience on any expecting couple. That would be crazy! Yet every day, there are people who have children who are unable to properly care for them, and every day, there are couples like us, filling out paperwork trying to earn the right to parenthood. Please don't misunderstand me, I am in full support of the paperwork. I don't want them handing out children to creeps! I also understand the right people have when it comes to having children of their own and being given a chance to raise them. As a human being though, I have my moments of frustration. Three a half years of barrenness. My dreams of having children the same age as my siblings' children are slowing being widdled away. I have every right to be bitter, and I very well could be if I sat and thought about it long enough, but instead of choosing the path of bitterness I've chosen the path of acceptance. The Lord has entrusted me with this for a reason. I would not be who I am if I had been given children when I wanted them, and I have come to the conclusion that should He bless me with the ability to get pregnant, I am still supposed to adopt. This paperwork will not be in vain. Somewhere right now there is someone who is going to carry a child for me. She will be brave. She will be strong. She will be self-sacrificing.

I have finally accepted this path. Not that I hadn't before, but I'm ready. I'm ready for the world of paperwork and meetings. I'm ready for the task of trying to figure out how to financially bring this child or these children into our home. I'm ready to do whatever it takes to become a mom. After the move I put a push on to get paperwork done, and then it seemed there was a roadblock in my way, so I threw my hands up in surrender. I talked about adoption, but I had given up hope. I was frustrated and just plain tired. This was accompanied by my unsettledness about my change of career. I was emotional. I was irritable. I wasn't myself.

Then it was as if in the midst of my hopelessness the Lord broke through, and He found me. He sent different people into my life and others who had been there all along to check in with me or give me a word of encouragement. I think I started to get out of my rut when a good friend of mine recently said, "Sarah, the Lord has laid you heavily on my heart." She went on to list the two very things I had been weighed down about - one of which has to do with children. The other I can't mention at this time. I will tell you eventually, but it's not quite ready for the blogging world as of yet. Let's just say I'm excited about it, and as soon as I made the decision, I had an immediate peace. The whole children thing started to work itself out in a matter of a month. I went to see the specialist with Ben, and he was able to finish Ben's doctor referral. He also gave me the number of the place I had been referred to in Halifax. I now have an appointment in February. I must admit, I'm a bit skeptical as I think they're just going to talk to me about reproductive therapies and such, but I'm hoping the specialist can talk to me about my endometriosis more. I've also started seeing a naturopath, and we're trying to figure out what foods trigger reactions in my body. Thursday was red meat day. Sunday is cow's dairy day (Yippee!). A young couple around our age also stopped by to see us, and they had done a lot of research on adoption. Their circumstances are similar to ours. I was so encouraged after their visit, it was like I was driven to just plow through with this thing! Then we sent in Ben's paperwork and the remainder of our paperwork to Social Services. It was neat how it worked out. The worker was e-mailing us about our file the exact day she received our paperwork. She informed us of what else we needed and we got right to work - ordering birth certificates and marriage certificates (they require originals) through vital statistics. On Monday we have to get our finger printing done. I'm currently debating whether or not I should just start a separate blog about the adoption process we're going through. My life has pretty much always been an open book, and for me it has been a way to heal and continue on.

So I'm back. I have a lot to do around the house, and a lot to do in other areas, but I've determined to take it one day at a time. I have a lot of praying and reading to do within the next few months about endometriosis, fertility, and adoption (countries to adopt from and other adoption related things). I have a few countries in mind, but I really want to make sure that Ben and I go with one that we have a peace about. I'm excited about this new year. I was ready for one. Here's hoping 2009 holds a great many things for this Canney couple.