A Jumble of Thoughts

These past four weeks have been great in the classroom, but I've found that in all areas of my life I have struggled to find balance and consistency. Somewhere along the way I managed to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life, and it's taking its toll on me. I'm tired. I go to work. I come home and lack the desire whatsoever to prepare supper or help straighten up the home. I struggle to keep my eyes awake while I work on my correspondence courses. Then I go to bed to wake up and do it all over again. What's missing? Lack of reliance upon God - that's what. I'm trying to do everything in my own power. About a month ago, the Lord enabled me to reevalualte everything that I've been doing and to simplify my life. I'm still working on that one. The pressures of trying to do it all as a Pastor's wife have been a struggle, but I am slowly making peace with that one. One of the hardest lessons I've had to learn is that I can't please everyone. I can't live my life for other people. I can't do everything.

I've also come to another conclusion. I really look forward to being a homemaker. Don't get me wrong - I love to teach, and I believe I have a gift for it, but should the Lord ever bless me with children, I really look forward to staying at home with them when they are little. I look forward to doing the mom thing. I look forward to baking cookies, having family meals, playing lego, and going to soccer games. I look forward to singing lullibies, cleaning house, and making my home a haven. Some women can manage to balance work and home, but I find that at the end of a teaching day, I'm so tired - I can't imagine spending more time at home with kids! Chances are once my children are all in school, I'll either teach or substitute teach, but when they're little, I'd like to be at home with them. My mom gave up her teaching career for me, and she's one of my best friends. Some people might say - "What a waste. She graduated at the top of her class in high school and college. She was a recipient of the Governor General's medal. She won speech, singing, and drama competitions. She could really go places." Really though, does anyone remember those accomplishments? Sure my family does, but those accomplishments are here and then they are gone. I'm proud of those accomplishments, but I don't wear a badge that tells everyone what I've done or where I've been in life. When I achieved those accomplishments I had a feeling of great joy and success. Lately I've really been thinking about this. Rather than be defined by wordly ambitions and accomplishments, I'd like to be defined as a woman after God's own heart. A woman who lived with strong convictions. A woman who passionately served the Lord, her husband, her family, and her family in Christ. Now those are things that will last. Those are things that are eternal. I can't take my GPA or my medals to Heaven, but I can take my family with me. There is a part of me that wonders if I don't work when I have children, that I will miss an opportunity and that I will have a harder time getting back into the system to teach once they are in school, but then there is a part of me that says, "Follow your heart. Trust the Lord, and He will look after you." I guess if I knew all of the answers I wouldn't really be living by faith.